A Melancholy Joy

It was just a mere duplication of similar nights I was going through. I was not getting sleep that easily since past few months. Lying on bed without getting sleep have become part of my daily itinerary. And today as well it was more than two hours I was lying on bed getting no sleep at all. I had even switched the lights off and closed my eyes but it wouldn’t work either.

Stream of thoughts would flow through my mind during these sleepless nights. Family, friends, life, love, career, country; there was absolutely no criteria as to thoughts. May be that is the reason why people call it thoughts, you have undeniably no control over it. Wherever it leads, we are bound to follow and go on with the rhythm. You can only try control your emotions and try to create the positivity out of it, only try. Today was indifferent to previous nights. It started with the ongoing crisis in the country, I was absolutely helpless and could only pray for the betterment. There was no priority on which thought would strike first, it was as arbitrary as it could get. Only thing I was sure of was her, She would come every day with no time constraint. She would come anytime and rarely leave me alone.

I was unable to decide whether to approach her. I knew it was time I should express my sentiments to her, but something was keeping me from doing it, or maybe I never wanted to. I was not sure anymore that I was not in love with her.  Circumstances were similar on her side too. I was more than sure that she as well had feelings for me but she never came across, but maybe she didn’t have any, just maybe. Months and years passed since we first met and started getting-together very often but neither she nor I had the guts to speak it up. The calls we made and texts we shared already made tons of bytes, but perhaps it was meant to be this way and nothing more.

Preeti asked me to meet her one chilly December afternoon. She wanted to meet me may be because I was leaving for my hometown the very next morning though the finals of final year in University were approaching. It was late December, One would rarely witness sun, and it was mere thick smoky fog that made up the sky. Incessant gentle rain for past forty-eight hours have made the day cooler to the limits. Even in midday people walking around seemed like they were smoking. There were considerable number of people burning the firewood and chatting around with tea in their hands. I was waiting her just beneath a temple near busy Mangalbazar Street. Reaching there from Baneswor wouldn’t take that long for her. Lots of people with different dynamics were around the site. I started scanning the environment around me. A group of old labors waiting for the work, middle aged beggar shivering with mere thin shirt on him with a aluminum bowl on his right hand, foreign visitors of different nationalities taking pictures of the old monuments, number of couples sitting closer with their hands on the other may be to escape the coldness, busy vehicles in the muddy roads.

I saw Preeti approaching me from some fifty meters far on her regular scooter. We often met there and she was well aware where I’d wait for when we met there. She used to wait for me in the same place when she reach earlier. She approached nearer with ever smiling greeting. She had black sneakers on her feet matching black jeans. Her T-shirt underneath a knitted sweater had print of some cartoon character which I didn’t know as I am not used to watching cartoon series.

“Hellooooooooo.” She said lengthening the later part.

“Hello, what’s up?” I said smiling.

“I’m very good.”

We sat right beneath the temple where I was standing. The floor was wet but not that wet that it would make us uncomfortable. She unzipped her bag up and took a Cadbury of a fair size and handed it to me.

“What for?” I said as I received it from her and tore up its packaging instantly.

“I don’t need no reason to give you chocolate, do I?”  She said.

As soon as I removed the cover off the chocolates she took both cover and the chocolate off my hand. She took the first bite and gave me the rest and kept the cover in her hand bag. She never used to throw any wastes anywhere outside unless there is a trash bin nearby.

“Well, still I thought there should have been some reason. So.” I said biting from the rest she gave me.

She remained silent as I kept eating. I didn’t return the favor by giving her back the chocolate and kept eating. But she had some other idea, before I could bite the last piece of it she took it off my hand.

“You don’t have any manner.” She said as she turned her face the other way.

“I thought you got it for me.” I joked.

She said nothing but ate the chocolate. I laughed looking at her she smiled in return.

“I won’t get you anything now onwards”. She said.

“Okay” I couldn’t resist saying. “It’s my turn to get you something now.” I said and held her hand to make her stand as we walked our way out of the site.

It was still drizzling, the atmosphere was way too good to walk around together. It was long since we have had a walk together. We made our way towards nowhere, both silently agreeing to keep on walking not knowing where. While we were walking my memory went back to the time and was clueless of how it all started. I still remember the day I first saw her, the early university classes. She was so becoming. Her voice very dulcet. An ingénue, extraordinarily ordinary. It took us years to get closer but it still seemed like there was a gap consciously or unconsciously maintained. There was a gap in a sense that lot other thought we were couple, not necessarily, in fact we were not.

“Will we just walk around or go somewhere?” She said her patience degrading.

“Huh?” I pretended unaware though I heard her well.

“Let’s go for a coffee. It’s freaking cold.” she said.

“Sure. Where?” I knew lots of places around but I wanted her to tell.

“No idea. You tell.” She said.

We walked back towards the Darbaur square where her scooter was parked and took her at the terrace of D Square Café. I ordered milk coffee while she preferred black. Soon after there was a downpour, but it was evanescent.

“It’s exams in next two weeks and you’re going home?” She asked with fair sum of surprise in her face.

“I got to go, so is the circumstances.” I said.

“Take me with you.” She said with a fugitive look.

“No, unless you marry me.” I joked. She knew I was joking still she responded with a pretending surprise look on her face.

“I’ll be back in few days, I need to be there now.”  I said.

We were there for some couple of hours, had snacks and talked a lot. The rain was showing no sign of stopping. We waited for rain to stop but it was just not happening. We decided to move as waiting for the rain to stop would be a big mistake we would be making and it was almost dark as it was short winter day. I paid the bill as we went downstairs.

As we reached outside she opened up her bag and took an umbrella out which had flowers print in pink background. I was surprised as till now she was acting like she didn’t have any. She left me wondering when she took out raincoat as well. It was no wonder that two-wheelers usually have raincoat with them, but it took me by surprise because she was absolutely quiet till then.

“You never said you’ve got one.” I said.

“I didn’t feel like saying.” She said raising her eyebrows.

I smiled. She smiled back.

She put on the raincoat while I covered myself with an umbrella on the back seat of the scooter. Unlike other days she dropped me to my bus stand.

“Take umbrella with you, I’ll get it later.” She said after I got off.

“Of course, I’ll.” I said and smiled.

We departed.

“Preeti” I called her as she was about to accelerate.

She turned back and took her helmet off the head.

“You are pretty.” I said. She smiled and disappeared within seconds.

Next day I went to my native place and finished my task in about three days. Nothing could beat the feeling of being with families, friends and people around your hometown. As always returning back to city from home is a difficult task for me. The journey back to Kathmandu was interesting though with cool weather and snowcapped route.

Next fifteen days or so passed in blink of an eye. In no time finals of final year started. It ended in no time. It went good, I was not bothered about exams and results these days anyway. I met her once in those exam breaks and frequently during exams.

The difficult times were about to begin. Probably the most difficult time for an individual is the interval between the graduation and the post-graduation or finding the job. People go crazy at times not knowing what to do and what not to. It took some four months to get the result published which followed more misery, a status of educated unemployed. Same was the case with most of the friends including Preeti. The times would be more frustrating seeing other friends getting enrolled somewhere else be it in job or post-graduation.

These breaks made us ever closer. We met almost every week and talked about life, career and even politics. Not love, never. Because we were not in love. If we were it would have been a different story. Neither she nor I was aware what we were up to.

“You know what? People think that we are in a relationship” I remember once she asked me.

“Are we not?” I replied her very casually.

She had just smiled then asking no further questions.

It was complex for everyone to understand and we were no indifferent. We met up every week, talked almost every day in phone, shared tons of texts, went many places together, got caught together by many friends, but we never kissed each other. Maybe because we were not in relationship or maybe this relationship was meant to be like this. She was more than a friend to me and maybe I was same for her or maybe not. May be I loved her and maybe not. May be she loved me and maybe not. Maybe I was not ready or maybe she was not. Or maybe we both were not. May be I was too reluctant and cautious to speak out or maybe she was nervous or maybe we both were. It was so complex that it was all ‘maybes’.

Times were difficult and things were getting complex, to add on to the glooms I was making them more intricate. Intricate in a sense that I myself was unable to decide what I was up to. Do I love her or were we just friends? If we were only friends why were we acting like we were more than friends? Was it time that I should speak out my feeling? Or do I have any feelings? I bet she wasn’t having any good times either. She might be thinking up same, she actually is.

It was now or never if I had to speak. In no time we would be completely lost in our own respective world. I have to think about Job, career, further studies, and family and so on. All these things were right beside the ingress waiting for the perfect timing to start knocking on. If I do not speak up now it would be late, too late. Should I speak out? Or do I have anything to speak up? And if I do not speak up, will I regret when she is gone? Do I love her? No. Either I do not love her or I am not ready yet. If so how long will it take for me to get ready? I myself was raining questions over me with only me capable of answering it. But I was not getting answer, not even for a single one.

Time flies, it really does. It was more than a year since I graduated. I had already joined course in post-graduation while Preeti got employed in a private company. This past year was no unlike to any of the previous years as we were ever same. We met frequently, shared good and bad times together, share hundreds of texts and calls. And obviously I did not propose her, neither did she. During a call few months back she was so close to speaking up what she felt but she didn’t, whatever the circumstances. Or maybe she was not and I just felt like that. But I am pretty sure she was just about to. Whatever she expressed that day gyrated around what she felt for me. But it was so complex that it left me completely perplexed, I could not conclude what she meant. And me myself was unsure of what I would reply if she actually proposed me. I was still not sure whether I loved her or maybe I was not ready yet. It was all chaos inside me.

Days and months passed, but inside me it was mayhem. Fact was I was used to turmoil, and I felt I was okay when I was disturbed and I was disturbed everyday with same recurring questions. And as always I had no answer.

Festive season was approaching, it was late September. Weather was as crazy as it could get. In no time it would change from freezing cold to scorching sun and vice versa. It was more than a month since we last met. And lately we had limited communication. I had my usual college assignments and was busy preparing it after dinner lying in bed. It was Friday and next day was off. I got a call from her which I received in minimal rings.

“Busy huh? No calls, no texts. What’s up?” She said right after I received the call before I could even respond.

“Yeah. To some extent, busy preparing assignments.” I replied. “How about you, how’s job?”

“I’m doing well.” She said. “You free tomorrow? Let’s meet up.”

“Hmm. Yeah I guess” I just couldn’t say no and realized later that I had appointment somewhere else too. Later on I managed the prior appointment for some other day, I desperately wanted to see her.

Surprisingly the conversation ended soon. She had asked for almost a day. Deal was she would pick me at seven in the morning in her scooter. I was excited to be seeing her in more than a month. The feeling was different than the other time though, but I was unaware of the reasons. I didn’t get sleep easily that night and had strange feeling unlike other days.

By the time I reached the place we agreed upon to meet up she was already there. She was seated on scooter with helmet off her head. She raised her hands as soon as she saw me approaching her.

“You’ve lost weight.” She said before anything as I reached closer and faked a smile. It just didn’t look natural.

“You gained some. So, we’re balanced.” I said.

“Come, sit.” She said pointing backwards.

“But where are we going?” I said taking a back seat.

“No idea. I myself don’t know where.” She said as she drove towards Koteshwor.

“Where you heading then?” I asked a little amazed.

“Don’t know. Could be anywhere.” She replied and drove faster.

She kept on throwing questions upon me as she drove. Not very particular about anything, she just couldn’t stop speaking and I loved it. Though bored I kept answering her. There was very less traffic early morning. Maybe she had something in mind, but I was oblivious as of where she was heading. She turned towards Bhaktapur from koteshowor, thought she was heading to historical site Bhaktapur Darbar Square. I realized I was wrong when she headed the other way straight through the highway.

“Do I not have any right to know where we are going?” I asked pinching her back not hurting but enough to get her attention.

“Don’t know, I’ll drive as far I can.” She said.

I couldn’t help myself. She kept driving speaking hell lot of things every now and then. I wonder if she ever feels mouth ache in the evening. We drove past Sangha, Banepa and reached Dhulikhel. She stopped at a corner there, took helmet off her head and said “Let’s take a break. We’ll have tea here.”

“I’m not going any farther than this.” I nodded and said.

“Why not?” she asked instantly.

“What do you mean ‘why not’? I’m not going.” I replied sounding little unhappy.

“Ok. Cool down” She said smiling.

I was more familiar with this place than her but it was her who was leading me today. We walked through the clean blacktopped paves leaving the highway behind us. It was mere silence, none us of spoke for about eight to ten minutes.

“Speak up” She said breaking the deadlock.

“What’s the plan, huh? All of a sudden and after so long.” I said.

“Nothing. I felt like it was years since I saw you.” She replied.

“I hope you are not in love with me.” I don’t know whether I mean it but I said. I wanted to make a joke but I think I sounded serious and suddenly I felt like I spoke it out of nothing. I never intended to ask that or even if I meant it, I didn’t want to ask this way.

She didn’t speak. We were still walking. The weather was varying every few minutes. It was more than couple of minutes that she didn’t speak. She was neither upset nor her face looked pleasing. She untied her short black hair while walking and held the clip on her hand. We kept walking in stillness. She still looked puzzled and I couldn’t swell despair onto it by bucketing more questions.

“Hey, you upset?” I said stopping her.

“No.” She answered in a word almost unwillingly.

And again it was followed by silence, sheer muteness. And it was longer than the former one. I was cursing myself for all these. We sat at the edge of the road. The view below was curvy roads in the midst of less dense forest and few houses. We were both shut.

“Do you love me?” She asked out of naught.

It left me stunned. Not because it was very surprising but because I was expecting it another way round. Not as a question but as a proposal. Though I was not sure a bit what would be my response. I tried looking casual.

“Off course, how could anyone not love you?” I said and immediately realized that this was not the answer she was expecting. I was too ordinary and conventional.

“Yes, I love you.” I said correcting myself if I was wrong or maybe bitty earlier.

And again she spoke nothing. Her face expressionless and vacant. Or maybe it was my inability to read something out of her face. She was either unreadable or unresponsive. Either way I got nothing out of it. But slowly I saw her face saddened. It looked troubled and worried.

“Why did you never propose me?” She asked.

I was unable to figure out her intention behind this. Was she compelling me to purpose her or notifying me that it’s too late. Her eyes looked saturated but she was not lamenting. It left me wordless.

“Neither did you.” I said.

She suddenly started weeping but she wasn’t howling. She tried to remain silent but couldn’t stop her waterworks rolling down her cheeks. I went closer to her, in the touching distance. I held her hands on mine but didn’t whisper a word. She kept her head on my shoulder, she was still weeping. We were beside the road and as we were off the highway traffic was almost negligible. I still had no idea what to speak out. I don’t remember how long we sat there together without speaking, but I am sure it was long.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” I said, her head was still resting on my shoulder.

She said nothing.

“Come, we’ll go somewhere.” I said and held her hand tight to wake her up.

She did wake up. But I had no idea where to go. Not that I didn’t know any places there but because I was unable to choose the right place to go at that very circumstances.

We walked back to the town in turtle’s pace. We decided to go to a café nearby the road before we reached the town. The café was made up of bamboo and looked temporary but was beautiful from both inside and outside. It was spacious inside. We took seat nearby a corner from where the pave outside was visible. A beautiful lady and a guy were two table in front of us in the same vertical.

It was almost eleven in the morning and I was already hungry and most probably she was too.

“Order something, I’m hungry. Aren’t you?” I said.

“I’m not feeling like eating.” She replied. Her eyes were still wet but she was not weeping.

“You aint no robot. Are you?” I joked.

She was expressionless neither she replied anything.

I checked menu and ordered something to eat. She was still not looking at me straightforward though we sat facing each other.

“Come on, look up.” I said raising her chin up.

She had ‘I’m sorry’ expression on her face, just a mere expression. She faked a smile with soaking eye. I felt so bad that she looked so odd. That face would look prettier than full moon while smiling. But she had lost it today.

Looking at her acquitted face I knew that she had something in mind that she wanted to speak out but somehow she was not doing it. Or maybe there was something that stopped her from doing it. Either way she was hiding something from me which I was more than sure of.

Slowly she looked better, better in a sense that her face looked more expressive and smiled natural occasionally yet she was not speaking. She would communicate just by gesture. We got our order served. She ate very little and ever slow. I gave her company till the very end eating in same pace. By that time she had started speaking, but it was very limited. Most of the time she was using only gestures just nodding on my queries.

“Want something else?” I asked her.

“Fanta.” She said specifically and immediately. And smiled soon after realizing that she acted strange for that particular day. I was so glad that she spoke with such an urgency.

I ordered her choice. She preferred drinking through pipe while I drank from bottle itself. I asked for the bill after we sipped off. ‘Five hundreds and fifty-five’ read the bill. She stopped me while I tried to reach my back pocket for my wallet. She dragged the bill from my left hand, checked, unzipped her bag, finally kept a thousand rupee note inside the bill. We stayed there for about another one hour. It was already two in the afternoon when I checked the watch after we agreed upon returning back.

We walked back the same lane towards her two wheeler barely speaking.

We drove back the same road. Like in the morning there was very few traffic maybe because it was Saturday. In less than an hour we reached back to Kathmandu. We scarcely spoke all the way. We departed with minimal formalities. She kept waving her hand in the air for quite long. I occasionally turned back and waived back her.

I was completely exhausted when I reached home. I laid down in the bed.  I don’t remember when I fell asleep but was awake at around eight in the evening. I realized I had slept for four hours at least. I didn’t feel like coming out of the bed though I was awake. Instead I pulled off a blanket and laid there. Today was completely different to other days when we used to meet. I was still unable to figure out the intention of why she wanted to meet up. Because it was no close to any other day we spent together. I was just thinking and thinking. Right then my phone beeped with a message.

It was preeti. The text read, “I am in a relationship with one of my officemate since last month. He is cute loving guy. Thought I’d tell you today, so I called you to meet up. But I was unable to speak out.”

I don’t know how I reacted to it. I was exultant and elated. I was wretched and miserable as well. I was tempered and filled with rage at one point but very next I wanted to hug her and express delight on her happiness (if she was). I wasn’t happy but I could not be sad at all. I was not down but my senses didn’t urge me to celebrate. I was in anxious state of mind.

I replied “Congratulations!!”

I don’t know whether I meant it.

2012/09/11

A wake up Call

Despite witnessing everything possible, I loved him, I wanted him.

I used to dream about him every single night. There probably wasn’t a second his thought didn’t cross my mind. Whenever I saw any other girl beside him, I was filled with murderous rage. And when I am beside him, I would fly high up in the sky higher than any creatures have ever flown. I had fallen for him hopelessly and desperately.

Kapil used to visit my house very often but not to see me. He had an affair with my elder sister. He used to come to my place every few weeks to see my sister, and I never missed a chance to get nearby him. I would manage millions of excuses to get near him, to talk to him. Kapil and my sister Nisha used to spend hours in our home, in my sister’s room. They looked good and very happy together. And I was more than contented to see my sister pleased. But deep inside, a portion of my heart was jealous and wanted to replace my sister from that pairing.

Kapil used visited our home while our parents were out at work. As me and my sister had our classes in the morning, we would be at home all day long. It’s not that he only visited us when our parents were out as he was well known to our parents.  Kapil was our neighbor since the early childhood. We three were bonded like a concrete bonding and used to spend our days together since childhood. We completed our schooling from the same school; I was immediate junior to Kapil and Nisha.

One fine day on chilly month of December while I was back from college, I found my sister and him locked inside her room. My parents were out at work. I went directly to my room without letting them know. While together they used to make fun of each other, giggle, shout and even fight. I was envious of her. After some ten or twenty minutes, I could hear them giggling. I had no idea what was going on there and was unable to decide what to do and what not to. I was frightened, grieved and jealous, all at once. They didn’t know I was back home, so I thought it would be better if I go out of there and come back home some time later. And I did the same.  Their moaning was still buzzing as I got out of my room and ran my step downstairs.

Hundreds and thousands of thoughts crossed my mind as I entered a coffee shop some ten minutes walk from my dwelling. I grew insane with the thoughts that hit me. I ordered a cup of milk coffee and lay there not knowing what to do next. Nisha was running on the last year of her nursing studies while Kapil had just started a management course in one of the renowned college in Kathmandu. It was almost two years they were in relationship. In those early days I and even my parents had spotted them walking together in streets. Once even our parents witnessed them sharing an ice-cream in the busy Kathmandu streets. That evening Nisha had to answer several questions thrown at her by her parents. She had replied “we are just friends” then. As the time passed by both our parents and they themselves knew that it was lot more than just friendship.

“Here’s your coffee, Mam.” said waiter as he placed a cup of coffee right in front of her.

“Thank you” She smiled back. Only she knew that she had faked a smile.

All of a sudden I started feeling resentful towards my own sister. I wanted to be in that room locked from inside and spend all my day with him. I loved him so much that I started hating him. It is not that he was dire to me. I have spent many times with him and I have always found him good and attractive. I had this feeling for him since very long back, maybe earlier than Nisha had. But I never ever had guts to say that I love him.

It was late December I was busy in the computer preparing my assignments. My sister was in her college and was late to return back home. My parents as well were at work. Right then he arrived.

“Hey Asha”, I heard him greet me as he slide the door.

“Hello”, I sound excited.

He had already noticed my sister room locked from outside. He entered my room and sat beside me on the plastic chair. I was happy that no one was in the room but was somehow anxious.

“Do you like to have something”, I asked keeping my eyes alert on the desktop itself.

“A glass of water, please.” He said.

As I came back with the glass of water I pushed the door hard but didn’t lock it. He had shifted his chair to the one in front of the computer and was going through the photos. The folder containing my photos was in the desktop itself. I handed him the glass of water which he kept by the computer table.

“You look beautiful.” He said glancing towards the picture while he sipped the water.

“I know I am.” I replied smiling.

As he went through the pictures, he made some comment to almost each of them. I was a bit nervous having him right beside me with no one in the house, but excitement killed them off. I was feeling good as it was what I always wished for.

“You look sexy here.” He said nipping my cheek as he came across one of my picture in undersized outer. I blushed as minor electric shock went through my body. I just managed to smile. I was worried of my sister thinking what she would think of if she saw us in my room together. I then thought that I should make him go, but I had no guts to tell him to leave. I actually never wanted him to leave. And he didn’t seem like leaving anytime soon.

I told him I had to finish my assignments soon and asked him if I could sit in front of the computer. He readily left his seat and seated in my bed. As I was busy with my assignments I found him glance over my personal diary. I did not know since when he was going through the texts there. I quickly got off my seat and rushed to get my diary back.

“Please don’t read this, this is very personal.” I said as I pulled my diary back.

All these happened in quick succession. I did not want him to read it as it contained everything. It included everything that happened to me along with all my dreams, weird and crazy thoughts. I used to ink all my happiness, sorrows, mistakes, feelings, confessions, anger, fear, and anxiety, absolutely everything. I never lied or cheated to that diary. And I always kept it safe and out of reach from everyone. But I happened to keep it seen that day.

“What have you written there?” He said smiling.

I knew he caught me there. I was like a fish inside the net struggling to come off. Because, it had his name inked in it. There probably were not any pages where his name wasn’t mentioned. I had mentioned how much I love him and wanted to be with him. I had no idea what to reply. His face suggested that he had already gone through some of the pages and got to know what I felt about him. I found myself sweating and reddened. I just managed to reply “nothing, it’s personal.”

He came closer to me and tried to get it back, but I refused to give. He was smiling as he tried to withdraw it from my hand forcefully. I was holding it tight but he managed to get some hand on it and tried getting it. Diary was in no man’s land now, both trying to get it but didn’t actually have it. Room was getting noisier as all these didn’t take place in tranquility. Right then I heard someone knocking at the door. Before I could move towards the door, the door opened pushed from outside. It was Nisha. She observed both of us carefully and returned right away shutting the door hard without speaking a word.

Kapil followed her, I remained seated in bed. I heard him pledging and assuring her that we were just chatting. I was completely unaware of what was going on in the other room, I just heard Kapil speaking. I knew she was fumed, I didn’t hear her speak to hundreds of his vow. I heard him begging sorry but she wouldn’t listen. It was some 15 minutes Kapil was muttering but didn’t get a single word back. It was almost 5 in the evening and was time for my parents to be back at home. Kapil left disappointed without giving a single glance at me, and how would he?

I lingered at my bed stationary. I was troubled. It felt like a big catastrophe, a big tragedy, a big heartbreak. I was all dumb and filth. I felt like I’ve committed a big crime, a crime that none of the castigation would compensate. I had no nerve to go in front of her and talk to her. I’d done nothing erroneous but how could I assure her of that was beyond my competence.

I did go to my sister room after a while. I found her eyes moistened.

“Nisha, listen to me. It’s nothing like what you’re thinking…”

“You please, leave me alone.” She replied before I could finish speaking. She said it peacefully but her eyes were all livid.

“How could you…” She added but started sobbing before finishing her words.

But I needed no words to understand her eyes. I knew what she wanted to articulate. I wanted to tell her what she thought of us then was all wrong, but she still would not be convinced. I was in trouble, big troubled. Thought I would talk to her the next day when she was cool and calm.

I came back to my room and lay in my bed until my eyes drench closed.

From next day on, I couldn’t maintain vigorous relationship with my sister. She talked well with me but still something was missing, my old Nisha was missing. On the contrary, meeting with Kapil grew thicker. I didn’t even realize it until we started meeting almost every day. Even Nisha was well aware of it but didn’t really care about it. Kapil still used to visit our home frequently but his destiny has changed. He still used to talk with Nisha but they were no more what they once were. I enjoyed his company as he was all I ever dreamt of but was sad that Nisha was hurt because of me.

Days, weeks and months passed as we grew closer to each other. We spent numerous good moments together. Nisha was well aware of our relationship and I felt like she had moved on with what happened to her.

One mid-October day was alone in my home as I had my classes off. I had just taken shower and was drying my hair my phone ranged. It was Kapil. I received the call.

“I am outside, unlock the gate.” He said before I could respond.

I went downstairs and unlocked the main gate. We came back to the room me following his footsteps. He sat at the edge of my bed and I sat beside him.

“Sunsilk? Hmm… No. Head and shoulders?” He asked as his nose approached my neck to smell my hair.

“Ponds.” I said pushing him farther. My hair was still wet.

“You smell intoxicating.” He said kissing my lower neck.

And soon our lips met. I don’t remember who initiated but it happened, and did last long. My lips mould to his as our lubricious tongue collides lovingly caressing each other deliberately to explore the unexplored. I felt the sweetness of his tongue. It did not seem like it would end soon. When I wanted to stop he started again and when he tried to stop it was me who started all over again. He laid me on the bed while our lips were still bonded.

“The door is unlocked.” I said.

He smiled back and went towards the door instantly, pushed it hard and locked from inside. And it started again. We’re lying in bed as his hand slide underneath my clothing. We both undressed each other and his hand ran all over my body. And there, we made love, without any protection.

Things were going well for next few months. We have had secluded sex a couple of times after our first. After my finals of the twelfth grade, we’d barely meet because of our demanding schedules. But we were in touch through different mediums. Slowly, things changed. Our meetings and even communications through other media became even slimmer. Consequently, he stopped responding to my calls and texts.

I was worried. Different thoughts engaged my mind and I started having sleepless nights. It was weeks since he last received my calls or responded to my texts. His family recently shifted from our locality where they lived for more than a decade, which fueled my speculation.

One usual day after dinner I called him several times, he didn’t answer any. I lied in my bed and dialed him till my fingers hurt, absolutely no response. I was worried, angry and gone insane all at once. Doesn’t he care about me anymore? Was it ‘sex’ that he ever all wanted? Is he done with me? Hundreds such questions were revolving around me like dark cloud in the monsoon sky.

Did he ever love me? Why doesn’t he respond to my calls then? He mustn’t be that busy to not receive my calls for weeks. Even if he is high should have informed me through other means. Was he enough trustworthy that I bestowed everything upon him? No, he can’t be. And suddenly everything that happened with Nisha jazzed right in front of my eyes. How dim-witted I was that despite knowing all the past I went on sleeping with him. Is it all what he does, keep on sleeping with different girls? I can I trust him that he’d not any partner prior to Nisha? Has he dumped me? Or if not, what if he dumped me anytime soon? I will be done with my blood, life and relationship. I should have never let him cross the threshold and enter my life. It was my entire fault. I had hurt my dearest sister for him. I was never right, never ever.

This could be the high time for me to forget everything and start a new life, a life where I can be my boss. But can I do that? Can I ever forget what has happened to me this soon? How will I ever hide the fact that I am no more a virgin? But will this even matter if I am strong, bold and courageous? I won’t let and should not let any of my past haunt me anymore. I must be brave enough to face what is in store for me in the future.

I still couldn’t get my eyes closed. I got up off my bed and drank a glass of water.

I went back to bed and lay down again. I must move on.

The Recurring Fate

The ring of my cell phone disturbs my sleep early morning.

I have an alarm of early 5 in the morning everyday but never wake up that early. I postponed it for next 15 minutes and got back to my sleep as I did every preceding day. I was used to this job and I could do it even without opening my eyes.

My phone rang again violating my order. I postponed it again and held my pillow tight. Let alone my setting, phone rang again. I concluded there was some problem with it, and had to open my eyes. Unfortunately, it was a call. Rajiv had called.
“Yes”, I answered the call.
“Deepak, our result is published. Did you know?” he said in hurry.
I was still sleeping to a degree. I clearly heard what he said. But, I could not response him in quick.
Not getting my response he added,” Deepak, you there?”
“Yeah, I got you.” I answered.
“Can we meet in college at 7 this morning?” He said in tone of compulsion.
“Ok, I’ll be there at 7. See ya there.” I said.
As soon as the talk ended, I felt my heart pounded. I should have been glad to know I was getting the result of my performance over a year. ‘Over a year’ in a sense that university could never end the session as per the planned calendar year. One had to wait about 15 months to appear for the final exams. This had been the culture of university. I had cleared all the papers except one from 1st year which kept me from getting my bachelors degree since past more than two years.
My eyes wide opened. I saw my brother lying next to me still in his deep sleep. He had joined me the previous year after getting his school leaving certificate. I actually didn’t want to get him in this deserted city until I was well settled. But he wanted to study Science in his higher studies and the colleges in the village couldn’t furnish the requirements. Moreover, my parents compelled me to get him with me.
I got off the bed, prepared tea and sipped it instantly. Soon I left for the college. I had to walk for about 10 minutes to reach the bus station. I felt it longer than an hour walk. My foot ached. My heart was heavier than any rock would ever weight. I got into the bus. My mind hosted thousand of thoughts at that moment. It was third consecutive time I had appeared my exam for the same paper. I wasn’t that bad in my studies and did my best in exams. But result never came in my favor, it always jerked me. I couldn’t figure out whether it’s the negligence of the university or my failure. I had successfully completed my 2nd and 3rd year paper with good marks. So there doesn’t raise questions of my incapability. A single paper from 1st year was fixed in me like a leech.
I got off the bus in Singhadarbar. I still had to walk for 5 minutes or so to reach my college. I headed to my college in frozen steps. My heart was getting even heavier as I approached my college.

My mind repeated same question to my heart again and again, ’What if I am failed again?’ I felt pity on myself. I was all wasting my parents’ efforts and sweat. Being the elder son I had to bear responsibility in my family sooner or later. After all, I had to look after my family. I would have sustained in this city on my own if I had degree.  A financial institution had almost provided me a job last year, but the one that played villain was my certificate itself. Only certificate would speak and provide some job in this drained city. I was ashamed to ask for the expenses to my parents. They too had no any source of income. Their all day effort in the field would hardly earn their living. And if they did save a little, they would send us without my request.
I thought of my sister who recently completed her higher studies and joined Bachelors in village itself. My parents had planned to get her married the previous year if any good-looking gentleman had come to ask her hand. But it was I myself fought with parents and didn’t let them do as per their plan. She had lot expectation from me. After then my brother strike my thoughts. He has his own dreams to achieve. He would perform better if he was admitted in renowned college. But, he is understanding and is happy with what we could afford. I should be responsible for his further studies.
And how would I forget my all time well wisher, kriti. I loved her actually and wanted to spend my old days with her. I don’t really know whether its fear of losing her or my respect towards her that’s keeping me away from sharing these feelings with her. But I couldn’t ask her hand unless I was self dependent. She was always good to me and she is. And the necessitate thing that’s not with me is capital. So, I had to earn first.
The beep-beep from back reminded me that I was out of my lane. I was lost in thought.
I entered the college gate. The crowd has gathered there in advance. Everyone was dying to find their Roll no in the list. I found no familiar face in the crowd. It wasn’t easy to get closer to the notice board. Hundreds of them were gathered there pushing each other trying to get their number in the list. I stood in a corner of the parking lot.
I saw Rajiv evading from crowd pushing other. He got his phone out of pouch. He took it closer to his ear; most probably he was dialing me. I shouted at him waiving my hands. He recognized me from distant and came closer with miserable face.
“Hey, how was your result?” I asked.
“I am passed, but I didn’t found your number.” He couldn’t say this comfortably.
Those words hammered me more than anything could ever hit. The earth stopped rotating, wrist watch held still and bright sun disappeared. My parents, brother, sister and Kriti all strike my mind again.
The University had once again proved me futile. I wonder when my sun will ascend with rays of hope.

A Minor’s Fortune

Aavash doesn’t like to play these days. He spent his days keeping himself locked inside the room. He used to be a good boy, admired and praised by everybody. It’s not that he’s gone badly, but he’s not the boy he used to be. Unlike his character, he remains silent these days.

He used to come first in the school finals, but finals of class three gave him fifth rank in the class. He doesn’t even feel like going to school.

His mother Kamala is well aware of the reasons behind the poor performance but is helpless. One Monday morning, his mother prepared breakfast just before schools. Like every preceding days he was not interested in eating. She promised to buy him an ice-cream and receive him afterschool before to make him eat the food. Once in school he forgets everything and comes back to home on his own. His school was few minutes’ walk from his home.

Bikram was his classmate and neighbor. They used to go to school together and even spend their free time together. Bikram used to wait for him every morning, and they used to go to the school together.

Today, Bikram was late and Aavash had to wait for him to arrive. But Aavash didn’t want company these days. He wanted to walk alone. But he couldn’t flee away from Bikram all of a sudden.

“Hi Aavash.” He arrived.

“Hello” Aavash replied almost unwillingly.

“So how’s your new mother?” Bikram asked him disrespectfully.

Aavash remained astonished and motionless. His face turned blend of red and black. He didn’t feel ashamed but was filled with extreme rage. He was totally unaware of what to do next. Everybody in the locality knew and talked about his dad’s extramarital affair. It had gone so viral that his classmates started teasing him.

“I’ve only one mother. Don’t talk this nonsense with me again.” Aavash replied without even looking at his face.

“My mother said your dad will bring you a new mother very soon.” Bikram added.

Aavash remained absolutely silent. His eyes moistened and reddened. He stretched his footsteps so that he needn’t listen to Bikram. But Bikram followed him to maintain the balance.

“Why don’t you speak up? Everybody talks about your dad these days.” Bikram wasn’t in the mood to stop.

Aaavash spoke nothing. He could hear Bikram speaking all the way to school but he didn’t pay any attention till they reach the school. Aavash felt low all the day. He didn’t speak much with anyone, not even with teachers. He didn’t have his lunch

Prakriti was his very close friend in the class. They used to spend hours together talking and playing. Inside the school compound, they were always found together. If anyone among them missed the class any day, the other used to call to their home that very evening. Prakriti asked him that day if anything was wrong but Aavash was ever silent.

After the class was over that day, everybody left for their home. Aavash and Prakriti were quite behind than the rest of the class.

“What’s wrong with you Aavash? Why are you so different these days?” She asked in sweet little voice.

There’s no words how she said this. In very sad tone, almost unwillingly, in shade bitter but honestly. Aavash felt like crying out all his tears on her shoulder. He felt like hugging her to thank her. She had been so good to him all the time. But he remained still, no single word came out of his mouth.

“Why don’t you speak?” she asked again.

He had no idea what to answer. He couldn’t speak the truth, and never wanted to tell her a lie.

“I’m not well.” He lied.

“You should have taken rest. Why did you come to school then?” she was raining questions.

“I was okay in the morning.” He tried to sound natural.

Children were hurrying to get into their parents arms. Just outside the school gate was the pool of parents waiting for their child to arrive. Few children were playing in playground while few others were eating the leftover of the lunch.

“Aavash, quick. I’ve been waiting for last ten minutes.” Shouted Bikram from the gate.

“I’m coming.” He shouted back and started running after waving good bye to Prakriti.

He ran towards the gate which took him a little longer because of the crowd at the exit. He turned back; Prakriti was still waving her hand. He waved his hand back to her. Aavash and Bikram walked all the way back home. They used to play for about an hour every day after snacks. Though Aavash didn’t want to, he had to. He couldn’t say ‘no’ to Bikram.

His mum fed him snacks. As always she asked him to complete school assignments before going out to play. His mom was speaking in the phone while he was eating. He could hear his mother sobbing over phone. This had been her routine task for past couple of years. He knew conversation was centered on his father. Not only within the family but this had been the hot topic for everyone in the neighborhood.

It’s not that his father didn’t love his son. He would do everything for the children. He had problem with his wife, he couldn’t tolerate her for a second. He was having an affair with one of his colleague in the office he worked. The relationship between them was degrading since past three years and had reached extreme recently. They got married some ten years back arranged by their families and relationship was going good for the first half of the decade. His workstation was not in the native town and could only visit them once in few months. There was a speculation that not being together was the reason behind the degrading relationship.

“Aavash, come downstairs.” His friends started shouting from outside the gate. He escaped while his mother was still busy in the phone. Bikram along with Deepak, Shanker, Kamal, Bikash and some new faces were waiting for him with a black and white football.

“When is your dad coming?” asked Deepak while they were walking towards the playground.

Almost everybody in the neighborhood knew that his father had not visited home for few months.

“Is he coming with your new mom?” said Kamal. Everyone started laughing.

Aavash felt embarrassed and spoke nothing. He stopped there, turned back and started running back home. He raced so fast that he didn’t give a single look back. He reached home, climbed up the stairs to his room and got inside the bed quietly. He could still hear his mother sobbing over the phone line.

It was Dilasha, his younger sister who used to wake him up early morning every day. She generally woke up with her mum every morning. Like every day Dilasha pulled the blanket off his body with all her energy. She went closer to his face and shouted over his ears.

Aavash left for school after breakfast.

He saw Bikram from distance and braced himself for some humiliating questions.

“So, is your father home? How is your new mom?” As expected, Bikram started firing questions.

It hurt him like series of slaps across his face. He remained still.

“Did she bring you chocolates?” Bikram asked again and laughed hard.

Aavash couldn’t walk to school any further. He ran back to his mother. He reached home faster than anything. As he reached home, he ran direct to his mother and hugged her tight on her knees. He wanted to hug his mother tight on her chest but his height would only let him hold her knees. He started crying out loud. After all he was in his mother arms.

Kamala carried him up in her arms and rained kisses over his face and asked him if anything was wrong.

“I don’t want to go to school.” He said still sobbing.

“Why dear? What’s the matter?” His mother asked as she wiped tears off his face.

“All of my friends tease me. They say that my father doesn’t love me. He’ll bring new mother. Is it true mama?” He was still sobbing while he asked.

Kamala was shut. She knew that her husband loved their children very much. She knew he had only problem with her. And this feeling was killing her. She was sure she would never be able to win love of her husband. So all she was concerned was about the children. She wanted them to do their schooling well and have good relationship with their father. Because all the expenses about their food, education and other stuffs was covered by her husband. She could by no means afford the expenses otherwise.

“I’m your mother and I love you. What else matters?” She replied as she held him tight.

She was having hard times to convince him to get back to school. She tried to take him to school by herself but he was not ready. He slept half a day and spent rest by watching his favorite cartoon show, while his mother was busy in household stuffs.

While Kamala was preparing dinner in the evening, the phone ranged. She went to the other room and received the call.

“Hello aunt, how is Aavash” the voice asked. It was Prakriti, the voice was very familiar as she used to call him almost every alternate days.

“He’s alright watching TV, wait I’ll call him” She replied and called her son keeping the call on hold.

Aavash ran towards his mum hearing the call. He started talking over the phone as his mum headed towards the kitchen. She asked him the reason behind his absence in the school, he had to speak lie again. They talked for about five minutes.

His mother was busy on the other call in her mobile by the time he finished his conversation, he could hear her sobbing again from his room. He went close to her mum and sat beside her. Kamala ran her hands over his head and rubbed his hair. He reacted by lying in her lap. The conversation went long, and he could hear her sobbing few times in between. By the time she finished her conversation Aavash was already asleep. She woke him up and took her to the kitchen to make him have his dinner. He showed no interest in dinner, ate a very little and slept soon afterwards.

Days and months passed by. There was no improvement in the situation, rather things got worse. It was mid-November when the news broke that his father did got married to the lady he had affair with. This was the topic everyone in the town were talking about. And this time it was more than just rumors, there were people in the town who witnessed.  Though it was not the unexpected news, it did broke Aavash’s mum into pieces. There was even rumors that two of them would soon fly abroad.

Kamala was well prepared for this news, she knew this was bound to happen sooner or later. She was strong enough to deal with anything that came her away. All she was worried about was the future of her little kids. She even knew that her husband would take care of the expenses for his children. But it was not all about money, it was about father every child requires. It was about the love, care, guidance and belongingness. Both Aavash and Dilasha loved their father very much and wait for his arrival every time. Even he loved his children to the limits. When he visited home, he would be around the children every time taking them out and getting them the stuffs they wanted. The relationship between father and children was still the same. He just couldn’t bear his wife.

It took no time to spread all around. She was the topic of discussion for days after the news broke. She tried to keep Aavash unaware of this news but it was inevitable. He came to know about this within few days.

It was Aavash’s fate, his destiny that he had to deal with all the nonsenses at this early age. His young and innocent mind would not understand everything that was going on. But he could apprehend that his father was married with someone else and his mother was isolated. In subsequent days they had frequent visitors in the home. Relatives, neighbors, family friends and several other people visited Kamala and tried sympathize her. Her gloominess had grown overnight so she tried to avoid visitors, but she couldn’t help it.

It was almost a week that Aavash had not been to school and Prakriti had called him very often this past week. Even she was aware of the events that Aavash was going through. Meanwhile, Kamala was frustrated each proceeding day. She was trying to forget everything that happened but the people who came to visit her would keep on remind her. She was so tired of sympathies that she used to fake a smile to them. But she couldn’t hide the reality, she was broken into pieces.

One fine Saturday night Kamala was busy preparing her dinner. Being a holiday, a lot of relatives and neighbors visited her that day and she was tired of dealing with them. She was mentally disturbed till the evening and was not even feeling to prepare the dinner. But she couldn’t let her children sleep without feeding them. She got frequent calls while preparing the dinner and received each of them and had difficult time talking casually. She took more than usual time to prepare the dinner and she was literally weeping during the conversation but trying not to get noticed by her children. Aavash did notice that she was weeping but didn’t react. Kamala, Aavash and Dilasha had dinner together but none had it properly except Dilasha. Dilasha kept on exchanging glances between her mum and brother but in absolute silence.

Dilasha and Aavash were playing with their toys while Kamala cleaned the dishes. Kamala finished her work pretty soon and joined her children and watched them play. There was mere silence. Soon afterwards they stopped playing. Kamala took them off the bed where they were playing and arranged the bed for sleeping. Dilasha used to sleep along with her mother while Aavash slept alone. But today he didn’t feel like sleeping alone. He told his mother that he wanted to sleep together. Kamala made them sleep in her either sides and laid down in the middle. She was still unable to stop her weeping completely.

“Mom, why are you crying?” asked Dilasha in small tone.

‘No, I’m not” she lied. Before she could drop her words she made weeping sound again.

Aavash hugged his mom tight as tears that fell of her eyes rolled down on his cheeks. He did not speak a word, just remained there hugging her very tight in absolute silence.

‘’Will dad ever come to visit us again?” asked Aavash with his eyes full wet.

“Yes he will, He loves both of you very much.” She said kissing his forehead but she was not sure of what she spoke.

“Mom”, he whispered.

“Mm”, she replied.

“Will you also leave us alone like our dad?” Aavash asked his mother unwillingly.

Kamala couldn’t believe what she heard. She realized what her son was going through. It made her cry out loud. She hugged her son very tight but could answer nothing. She had no words to speak out. She rained kisses on his face and hold him tight. There was utter silence. Even Aavash did not feel like reinforcing.

Undone Affair

I no longer visited that library for the purpose of reading books, I wanted to see her. I had been to that library for past few months but I noticed her since past two weeks. I know she never came before. Later I came to know that she was the daughter of the librarian and she used to help her dad during her leisure. She usually sat next to him and did as per his instructions. Many of times I have sat next to her but never had the courage to speak a word to her, not even look at her face properly. Days, weeks and months passed. But I only could manage to see her indirectly. Spring came, leaves reddened. I remained still. Winter followed the spring and the leaves yellowed in those dreary winter. The cloudburst downpour swept away all the sludge and dirt all round, but I still hadn’t had the heart to even look in her eyes. I had to talk to her at any charge. I thought of different ideas to approach her and speak to her. But no any scheme did actually knock my cranium. What I did was misplaced the book by ‘John Fowles’ somewhere in a corner of the library. I told her that I was searching for that very book and didn’t find anywhere. I knew she would never find that book and I could remind her each single day about the book. This way I could talk to her for a long period. That day she went on searching that book for me for a long time and apologized being not able to find. She gave her word to find it for me the following day. I had got every reason to talk to her then. Next day, right after the college was over I loped to the library which was about twenty minutes walk from my dwelling. As I entered the entrance of the library I saw her in the identical usual chair she used to sit, next to her dad. It was first floor. Library had two floors first for nonfiction and second for the fiction section. “Hi”, I greeted her. “Oh, hi”, she replied back as she stood up from the chair. Her father looked us with the apprehensive ogle. “What about the book? Did you manage to find it?” I asked as we walked upstairs. I was wondering to see her coming with me upstairs without any proper request. I was sure she had not found the book. Why was she following me upstairs then? “I’m so sorry. I couldn’t.” she said, “I’ve requested dad to find it” as we mounted the steps. “You’ll never find that”, I wanted to say but couldn’t. “Sorry, got you in trouble”, I heard myself say. “Fine, it’s no problem”, she said showing the series of her pallid beautiful teeth. We entered the entrance of the door upstairs and sat in the chairs. The bookshelves on my right had the tag ‘science fiction’ in it. She was on my left. In front of me was the shelf with its name ‘Romantic fiction’ hanged at the top. We had some minor chat there. I came to know that she had recently completed the higher secondary level and was helping her father in the library during the leisure. Few girls entered in the room and went directly to the romantic section. I don’t know why but most of the girls go to the romantic section at the very first. Perhaps, because they love romance more than we do. I wanted to ask her why that was. She is girl, she must know why. But I didn’t. She got a call from her dad downstairs. “Excuse me; I’ll be back in few minutes.” She said as she stood up. “I’m leaving too, I’ve to go. I need that book when I come next time”, I said as I pulled back my chair and stood up. “Sure, sure” she smiled. “I’ve my classes. I’ll be here next week.” I said as we passed the door. She remained quiet. She waived her hand and made the lip movement so as to say ‘bye’ without making any sound. I smiled back waiving my hand. I returned back excited. I was very much excited indeed. Her every words and action made me fond of her very much. I thought of her all day. I wanted to talk to her earlier. But then, I had got more than I needed. I thought she liked me, at least my company. I couldn’t wait to see her again. Every day and night I thought of her, dreamed of talking with her. I couldn’t visit the library very next week due to some reasons. I went there after two weeks. I didn’t saw her that day in her usual chair. I went on searching other possible places she used to be. I went upstairs, she wasn’t there either. In fact none was there except a couple (may be) at a corner of ‘children section’. I remember their face. They used to come there regularly. They didn’t notice me getting in. I got a book by Toni Morrison and took a seat at a corner. They couldn’t see me but they couldn’t escape from my vulture eyes. They were sitting on the floor and hands on their shoulder. I could hear the girl shouting in response to the boy’s pinch and she would pinch back instantly. Every few minutes they would kiss on their lips keeping them somehow aware. But as soon I caught him stroking her breast I felt bashful. I moved myself to safer zone because they were having good time and these times wouldn’t come every now and then. This wasn’t any new in the library when it was comparatively vacant. I kept my eyes busy in the book for next few hours. I didn’t even know when they left. I didn’t saw her that day and returned back somewhat despondent. Next day I went to the library again. As usual I went upstairs and continue the book I was reading yesterday. There were few other people busy finding the books of their concerns. It was mid July and was raining heavily outside. “Hey”, she patted on my back. I felt uneasy but managed to throwback “hello”. “Sorry about the book.” she said “My dad didn’t find it either, I’ll let you know if we find it.” “Okay, take your time.” I said as I pulled a chair for her. She smiled back. I realized at that moment how beautiful she was. She was ravishing. She was too sweet in her words and conversation. I regretted that moment that I cheated her just to talk to her. She would have easily talked to me if I’d approached her normally. I shouldn’t have made her search the book for me by hiding it. Monsoon rain was busy cleaning up the streets. It rained so heavily that its patter disturbed our conversation. We stayed there for few more minutes until the rain stopped. “Shall we go for a cup of coffee?” my tongue did spoke. Words came out of my mouth instantly. I couldn’t believe my tongue. I wondered how I could say that. She stared at me in amazement. Probably, she wasn’t expecting this from me. I felt ashamed and pity on myself. I regretted for what I said. “Sure.” She replied. This was shocking for me. I proposed her to go for a coffee with me. But I was unaware of how I told her. And to my amazement, she accepted it. I was even unaware of the solidity of my wallet. I happened to ask her and she accepted. I was in trouble and excitement at the same time. I felt like giving a hug and kissing her. I found her so very good at that second. We stood up and left. As we left the library I saw her dad gazing us in perplexity. I had no courage to look him back. I thought he would call her but he didn’t. We got out of the building; she leading me, and me following her footsteps. We walked few minutes in the clean black paved road and she lead me through the narrow door of a café which board named ‘shital café’. We went to the table at a corner near the windowpane. One could see the clear picture of the steep pulchowk road from there. We took seat. We sat opposite to each other facing one another’s face. There was drizzle for next few minutes followed by downpour. This was the very first time I saw her face clearly without any obstruction or turbulence. She had a scar on her forehead at left. Her curly hair made her more debonair. We ordered two coffees. We talked till the dusk that day. Our coffee came. She had her coffee in the right hand and made her left hand busy replacing her curls that fell on her face. I loved watching it. She told me that she was trying to go abroad for her further studies. And she had interview in the US embassy the next week. I wished her best wishes but I was dying inside. I don’t know why but I felt so sad and isolated when she said this. I didn’t spoke a word back. I just kept on sipping my coffee. I told her that I wanted to talk to her since the day I saw her. She just managed to smile back when I said this. When she smiled I noticed that one of her teeth on the left was a bit forward than the remaining. But it was nothing in comparison to her beauty. We finished our coffee in a little while as it was cold outside. It was still showery and getting out was next to impossible. I wished it rained all day so that I could be with her for longer time. We ordered two more coffee after she refused to have any snacks. I told her I would not come to library for next one month as I had my finals. Next order came and we had it in similar zeal. The wall clock right in front of me showed an obtuse angled time, it was exactly 5 then. There was no indication of stopping precipitation. “We must leave, my father might be worrying.” She said looking at her wrist watch after she sipped the last leftovers of coffee from the cup. “What’s hurry?” I said staring at the wall clock. “You don’t know my dad.” She said and waived her hand towards the waiter. Waiter grew closer to us. “Bill please.”  I said. He went back and fetched a bill in our table and went back. The bill amounted one hundred twenty rupees. I checked my wallet, I had three note of fifty’s and two notes of five along with some coins. I thanked god that I had that sum at least. I kept 150 inside the bill case as she was busy checking her wallet. “Keep it back, may be next time”, I said as she took out two hundred rupees note. She smiled back in response. We got up and walked back through same narrow path. It was still raining outside. She took a pink umbrella out of her small green cozy bag. I wonder when the girls will get rid of these umbrellas. We shared it for a five minutes’ walk. “Getting wet in rain is fun.” I said as I unroofed myself from the umbrella. “You’ve every right to.” She said it hard this time. I was speechless. I had no words to reply. She would unquestionably go back to the library. So it was time for us to depart. “Bye”, she said before departing. “I’ll miss you.”  I didn’t say but definitely wanted to. “Bye.” I replied back. I stood there at the side of the road waiting for the microbus watching her cross the road. I watched her till I could see her. She managed to turn back once and waived her hand as she found me looking at her. Then suddenly more than a decade old truck disturbed my vision. Soon my microbus arrived and I returned back to my home. I couldn’t visit library for next one month or so. I had my final exams which went well. I went to my family home outside the valley for next one week. And one day after I was back from my home I went to library. I felt very different that day to be there after so long. I didn’t see her that day. I waited till six in the evening but didn’t see her. I hadn’t had the heart to ask his dad. So I returned back home sad. I went there the following day. I tried to find her but couldn’t. I could see those couple in their regular place in similar position today as well. I was happy to see them still together. Because, love is perfect competition market these days; with free entry and exit. Falling in love and breaking up had been very common. That day too, I waited till the twilight. I was restless. I had no any idea what to do next and how to approach her. Next day, I went again. No wonder, I didn’t see her again. I had no any option than to ask her dad. I was dying to see her, to talk to her. I thought she liked me, or even loved me. My dirty mind was thinking all of nonsense. I wonder how I would ask him about her. Finally I dared to ask him. “Excuse me.” I said. “Yes.” He replied. “Where is your daughter?” As soon as I spoke I knew I was in trouble. My tongue slipped. I definitely wanted to know where she was but never intended to ask in this manner. It sounded so silly, very silly indeed. He looked at my face in fretfulness. “Sorry, I wanted to say that she had my book and I want it back.” I lied. He looked perplexed and replied after a while, “who? Purnima?” I then realized that I had not even managed to ask her name. I was bewildered. “I’m sorry. I don’t know her name.” I said, “The one who used to sit next to you.” “I’m sorry she’s abroad. She left for states last week.” he said. Those words came out of his mouth like bullet released from a gun. It hit me hard, very hard. I couldn’t manage to escape. I felt my body start to shake, my legs squeezed. I felt my heart heavier than the rock. My blood froze but I was sweating. “Has she left that book to you or left any messages?” I was so insane I didn’t understand what I was asking. I sounded stupid again. “Sorry, she hasn’t.” he said. All of a sudden I felt like I shouldn’t be there anymore. I managed to say “Thank you” before leaving. I didn’t even wait to ask her contacts. I went out of the building not knowing where to go next. ‘At least she could have informed me.’ I thought. But soon realized she didn’t have my contacts nor I had her. I didn’t even know her name let alone contacts. I leaned at the door not knowing what to do next. My wrist watch made a right angle; time was exactly 3 in the afternoon. I went to the same café we went earlier. I wanted to sit in the same seat where we sat earlier but was occupied by a couple who seemed to be recently married. I took a seat and checked if I had any books on my bag to keep me busy. But there was nothing. Then, all of sudden all the memories flashed back in my eyes. Her wonderful words and hair that fell on her face, most of all her beautiful smile. “She must have left some messages to her dad. Is it her dad who’s hiding her messages from me? How can she forget me this easy? I’ve not known her for so long. But I’ve read her enough to judge how she is. She cannot be so inhuman. Or is she here in Nepal and he’s lying me? No, mustn’t be. She’d told me she had an interview. But how could she just leave without anything? Maybe, it was my fault. She might have tried to inform me. But what would she do? She had not any contacts of mine. It was my entire fault, all my fault.  I was so silly not to ask even her name.” I kept on blaming myself regretting my past. “Any order, sir?” waiter asked. “A coffee, please” I said as he noted down in the papers. I wish I could say ‘two coffees’ again. Always.

The Blame Game

It was already fifteen past eleven when I entered the office passing the scorching sun in Midbaneswor. I had to go to school of Niraj to clear his due bill and talk to the teacher about his performance. I was late in my office by more than one and half hour. By this very reason I had to face my boss for the second time within a week. It would have been better if I had informed him in prior, but as far as I knew him he would not grant me any leave and I had no option than to leave without his permission. Soon I entered the office I heard that the boss wanted to see me. I wonder when this phantom will stop taking my name.
“It’s your second in this week and fifth in the month?  Are you planning to cross the century mark by the end of the year?” the boss raced in rage spotting at my punctuality.
“I am sorry for not mentioning you earlier, sir.” I said keeping my voice low.
“So I should have called you to ask if you could attend the work, right?” he was not in the mood to excuse me in this occasion.
“Sorry sir, this won’t repeat again” I had to lie for yet another time. I knew I couldn’t keep my dialect but I did promise.
“You know what?  I shall kick you out of my office if this repeats again” his face went red and sweat glands started squeezing in his body. Although I used to face him more than once a week, he had never threatened me before to push me from the job. I felt my body shivering. My lips trembled when I tried to speak.
“Ok, sir” I was not in the condition to speak even a single word more than this. I lowered my head and left his room heading towards my chair.
Milan and Radha were chatting in low voice they could make sipping the tea from their cup. I felt as if they talked of me. They could easily find out what had happened to me reading my face as facing the boss had been almost daily routine for me. I got to my seat but couldn’t concentrate on work. After few minutes I got a call from Rashmi. But soon I told her that I was not in the mood and we didn’t talked much. We planned to meet in the evening. I couldn’t weigh up in the work for rest of the day.
During the lunch break Milan and Radha requested me to join them for the refreshments but I denied. They were always found together these days. I heard they are getting married soon. They first met in this office and within the period of twelve months or so their relationship had grown faster than any mushroom would ever grow.
Rashmi used to work in another private company in Kantipath and received handsome salary than I did. We had met in a seminar about three years earlier for the first time and made our meetings frequent then onwards.
That evening I waited her in the café just beside my office. I had preplanned not to spend more than an hour with her as I had to pick Niraj in the school before five. She arrived at about four in blue kurtha, her black silky and shiny hair being tied behind.
“Hi”, she greeted smiling.
“Hello” I said.
We went inside the café and ordered a cold coffee each. She looked okay in the sense that I did not found her fuming despite the fact that we had few mix-ups regarding our future last week. The cause of which was Niraj. She wanted me to stay away from him but I was always in opposition to it. She had given me a week time to think of it again even though she knew what my decision would be.

I couldn’t understand the reason she didn’t wanted Niraj to be with me. But I could never leave him alone at any cost.  She might have speculated that our married life would be worthless in his presence but that wouldn’t elucidate the accurate reason. I had told her everything about Niraj soon after we had met.
“Rashmi, why don’t you understand that Niraj doesn’t have mother and he needs someone to help himself grow up.” I had told her for the first time she talked of our marriage.
Rashmi had no words to answer then. She knew that Niraj was the son of my youngest sister among three. His mother had died during the delivery of the other child. His father was then settled marrying another women in a corner of the city. Since then I have been taking care of him. Though my parents wanted him to be kept with them, it was me who brought him in the capital without the concurrence with them. I knew his life would remain futile if he wasn’t given proper care and good education.
“Hey, what’s up” she said alarming my concentration.
“Nothing, boss wasn’t gratified with my performance, that’s all.” I said.
She glanced at my face and burst the laughter to my answer. Her eyes were speaking lot more than her tongue did. I turned my head apart from her as u her looks had made me poignant. She turned my face towards her catching my cheek in bendy manner.
“Things that will never go together, you and your boss!” she joked.
“So…..” I nodded.
“So……?” she gave another smile.
“So when shall we get married?” she asked instantly changing the topic.
“What answer do you expect from me?” I said. She seemed to be confused by my question. Last time when she had talked of the marriage, she had cautioned me to finalize about Niraj.
“I need no explanation.” she said and looked infuriated this time.
“As you wish, any time” I said relaxing my body.
“What about Niraj?” She asked extending her eye ball.
I was speechless. I really had no words to say. I didn’t want her to talk about him, but she did. I didn’t like her saying anything to him. I wonder what would that innocence child had to do on our marriage. But he always remained the center of our discussion.
“Let’s not talk of him” I said.
“Then why am I here?” she looked livid this time and left her seat in an instant.
I remained flabbergasted. I had no words to make her stop moving away from me. She didn’t even turn back for a single time. I noticed few people seated beside us were looking at me so desperately. I lower my head and sipped the remaining coffee at one shot. The waiter came within reach of me with the bill after I asked him to prepare it. I paid the bill and left the café in an instant.
That evening I couldn’t prepare dinner. I along with Niraj headed towards the restaurant nearby for some meal.
“Where are we going, mama?” he asked in sweet little voice.
“We are going out for the dinner. Aren’t you excited?” I said hiding my perplexity.
But this boy was something different. He read me much better than anyone else. Although I tried to hide, he could easily notice lines of dilemma on my face. So he responded while the waiter brought us boiled rice with fried dal and mutton curry.
“Mama, what has happened to you? Are you okay?” he asked in innocence.
“Not well. But I’ll be alright.”  I said rubbing his hair.
Days went normal for next few weeks, though there was no improvisation in the relation with the boss.  I hadn’t met Rashmi since that very day but definitely talked in telephone and exchanged few sms almost every day. She had apologized in one of those. Bottom-line was she wasn’t happy to see Niraj with me.
One day I got a call from the school of Niraj and got to know that he was admitted in the hospital nearby. I came to know that he was unconscious in the school during the class after he’d vomited. I hurried to the hospital after the boss permitted me to leave.
Niraj was lying in the bed with his eyes closed, her English teacher sitting next to him.  The doctor said it might had occurred because of weakness and suggested me not to leave him alone anywhere. His teacher remained there for all the day until Niraj has opened his eyes. She left in the late evening advocating me to take his good care. She waved her hand to Niraj from the door before leaving the room and he gave smile in back.

Doctor refused to discharge him that night instead requested me to keep him there for few more days. They wanted to know if he was unconscious by any other reason. I couldn’t say no. I informed Rashmi about Niraj that night.

The very next day early morning I called my boss to talk regarding the leave. He received the call after couple of rings.
“Good morning, sir.” I greeted him.
“Good morning. How is your boy?” he replied. His raucous voice alarmed me.
“He is fine, but I need few more days of leave sir.” I tried to keep my voice low.
“Please don’t talk about taking leave, I can’t help you anymore” he replied in less than a second.
“He is lying alone in hospital bed sir. I can’t leave him alone.” I begged for another time.
“Don’t talk filthy, I have warned you earlier.” He said in hoarse voice and disconnected the line.
My neighbors who knew that Niraj was admitted came to visit almost all day. In the late evening, Niraj was diagnosed of typhoid. Then I remembered that he had vomited couple of time last week and often complained of intestinal pain. I regretted myself of not getting him timely hospital. The doctor handed me the medical report with required prescription. Doctor said that he should be under medical supervision for next few days.
It was my first day to office after almost a week and most probably my last day too. I was free as Niraj started going to school. I did not have any sorts of chat with the boss in between. I went directly to the room of boss who was busy in his computer.
“Good morning sir.” I said hauling his concentration to me.
“Oh! You” He said as he opened the drawer. “Here’s your suspension letter.” He handed me the letter in an instant.
“But… sir…..”
“I had warned you earlier, Mr. Suraj.” He said not even letting me to complete my words.

It would be inadequate for me to remain there. So I left the office in an instant. Radha called me while I was getting off the main door and followed me with a piece of paper in her hand. I waited for her just outside the main door. She approached me and handed that piece to me and mentioned it was invitation for her marriage next week. She left me showing her long range of shining white teeth. After she was in, I opened the invitation which read  ” Milan Weds Radha” in the cover.
That evening Rashmi called me and mentioned that she wanted to see me. We planned to meet in the same café and our usual time.

I saw her in jeans and t-shirts after a long time. She approached me waving her hand from miles behind.

“Hmm jeans… No office?” I said pointing towards her getup and reserved a table after getting inside.
“Yeah… I’d a leave today” She said,” and how’s yours?”
“I’m kicked.” I said,” I’m ever free now.”
“It’s not the boss who has kicked you out. It’s Niraj, get rid of him.” She said her eyes focused on me.
“Please don’t bring him in between. He has nothing to do with our relation.” I felt I was louder than my usual tone.
“Can’t you see nothing is going your way just because of that filthy boy?” She replied no sooner than my words dropped. I could see her face getting red.
“I am not talking to you anymore, if you mention him again.” I said and stood up from my chair to leave. She didn’t react though I expected her to stop me. I left as the waiter approached the table and there remained Rashmi in isolation.
I wonder when this fatigued land will provide me next job.