Monologue

You know it’s not your usual day when you’re low all day and mess up things even before bed. You know something’s wrong with you when you can’t held your head high. Not because you’re guilty, but because nobody finds you innocent. This could just be a hunch, but I’ve never been more rational. You know how it feels when you’ve been dreaming every day and all you see is your dreams being incinerated. You know it’s difficult to digest when people are multifaceted. You know how it feels when you can’t believe it, but you got to live with it. You know how it feels to be outside the locked door with the wrong key hanging. You know how it feels to be one among the bunch of morons. You know it, and it’s always good to know. Be it for nothing, or worse of things; something’s above nothing. So, I’m a proud hick, proud filthy imbecile.

I can’t stop disappointing people, maybe the only thing I’m good at. It has somehow become a part of ‘to do list’ unintentionally.  I dream and wish to do good things, and start doing good, but I don’t reach there. Such is my fate. I wonder how could this happen every now and then. I’ve got stupidest of tongue, hands and mind; I don’t think my heart is one. Because I know I never intend bad. Tongue is my greatest enemy, a necessary evil. I speak up everything, I don’t see no consequences. Hands, fingers to be precise that types every bit of horseshit. And I swear I have filthiest of mind, I’m a mean minded schnook!

Being doomed is a fiesta. I hate to say this but people love it when you’re doomed. You ask me why? I say, you ain’t alone when you’re doomed. You’re alone to be doomed but every other being around add to the miseries. Well that’s freaking life I guess. When you’re joyous you get thousands of more reasons to celebrate and when you’re down people around you make sure that you fall to the abyss of depths. Gosh! What a world we live in. Cheers to everyone involved to raise the glass with and those who are making my life more disastrous. But hey! I ain’t giving up. Bring on!

I wish I could be harsh sometimes, I really wish. And I mean harsh. Not from my hands, not from my tongue and not from my mind. These are much more familiar now, I wish I could be harsh straight from the heart. God I wish! And why do I have to be so good at forgiving? Why can’t I stand someone else begging sorry in front of me? And why it has to be me who have to lament for days when I’m mistaken. It’s so damn unfair, Life is so freaking unfair. I wonder and laugh at my own idiocy sometimes. I’m absurd to the limits. I know I can’t get all people around me pleased by me. Not a man had ever done that or will ever do. And I ain’t making history anyway by doing one. I can’t understand why on earth I’m so strained when I’m bad to anyone. Why do I have to be good to everyone? Is everyone good to me? Hell No! So why should I be?

And my feelings right now, I feel like crying. I don’t mean weeping; literally crying out all my tears. The waterworks are the liveliest proof that you’re alive, not even laughter as big could make you feel more alive. Gone are the days I changed my pillow cover every single day, not because I am that concerned about the hygiene. But because they had stains. I’d live with it happily, but this world is so into you that it’ll make a story out of it to sell it to the mass. And people will buy it, yes they will. It doesn’t matter whether you want to sell. You’ll not even get to know that it’s sold, you’ll come to know only after you hear it later. Everything can be sold these days, and the things that we considered the most priceless and invaluable in fact are the ones that do not even need to be marketed. We live in the time where feelings are browsed and selected, bought and delivered online. Yes, they mean nothing. We live in the time where tears are packaged and uploaded for sale.

You know it’s not your day when you do all your best to make people feel better and all you end up is upsetting them. What’s the use of your stories when none would listen you? What’s the point in mourning when you’ll not be consoled? What’s the point in having good faith when you’re not graced? What’s the point in having biggest of palaces in the world when you have none to live with? What’s the point in having luxurious Mercedes if it’s left for rusting without being driven? You know how it feels when you do all you could do, and all you get back is tons of guilt in return? Had I been writing on the white sheets, it’d have swollen up and the text size would grow bigger. But we live in the world where texts are inked without ink. My tears ain’t that acidic that a metal or polyester outer of a HP ProBook would suck it in to get itself swollen.

You know it’s not your day when you’re isolated for being good. Goodness pays off, I believe. But not very soon they said, well said. And it wouldn’t surprise me either if it goes unnoticed. Because the time has changed. People see and judge people at instant. They wouldn’t give a shit about nothing. People are so comfortable with the surface that they fear depth.  The world is so phony that only fraudulent survives. All goodness shall perish. Pretending is the new reality. Surface is the core. Appearance is the beauty. Shade is the light. Weakness is the strength. Venom is the antidote. Rejection is the acceptance. People who display love are loved back, not the one who loves. Pretty agreeable though, what’s tangible is the truth.

The Recurring Fate

The ring of my cell phone disturbs my sleep early morning.

I have an alarm of early 5 in the morning everyday but never wake up that early. I postponed it for next 15 minutes and got back to my sleep as I did every preceding day. I was used to this job and I could do it even without opening my eyes.

My phone rang again violating my order. I postponed it again and held my pillow tight. Let alone my setting, phone rang again. I concluded there was some problem with it, and had to open my eyes. Unfortunately, it was a call. Rajiv had called.
“Yes”, I answered the call.
“Deepak, our result is published. Did you know?” he said in hurry.
I was still sleeping to a degree. I clearly heard what he said. But, I could not response him in quick.
Not getting my response he added,” Deepak, you there?”
“Yeah, I got you.” I answered.
“Can we meet in college at 7 this morning?” He said in tone of compulsion.
“Ok, I’ll be there at 7. See ya there.” I said.
As soon as the talk ended, I felt my heart pounded. I should have been glad to know I was getting the result of my performance over a year. ‘Over a year’ in a sense that university could never end the session as per the planned calendar year. One had to wait about 15 months to appear for the final exams. This had been the culture of university. I had cleared all the papers except one from 1st year which kept me from getting my bachelors degree since past more than two years.
My eyes wide opened. I saw my brother lying next to me still in his deep sleep. He had joined me the previous year after getting his school leaving certificate. I actually didn’t want to get him in this deserted city until I was well settled. But he wanted to study Science in his higher studies and the colleges in the village couldn’t furnish the requirements. Moreover, my parents compelled me to get him with me.
I got off the bed, prepared tea and sipped it instantly. Soon I left for the college. I had to walk for about 10 minutes to reach the bus station. I felt it longer than an hour walk. My foot ached. My heart was heavier than any rock would ever weight. I got into the bus. My mind hosted thousand of thoughts at that moment. It was third consecutive time I had appeared my exam for the same paper. I wasn’t that bad in my studies and did my best in exams. But result never came in my favor, it always jerked me. I couldn’t figure out whether it’s the negligence of the university or my failure. I had successfully completed my 2nd and 3rd year paper with good marks. So there doesn’t raise questions of my incapability. A single paper from 1st year was fixed in me like a leech.
I got off the bus in Singhadarbar. I still had to walk for 5 minutes or so to reach my college. I headed to my college in frozen steps. My heart was getting even heavier as I approached my college.

My mind repeated same question to my heart again and again, ’What if I am failed again?’ I felt pity on myself. I was all wasting my parents’ efforts and sweat. Being the elder son I had to bear responsibility in my family sooner or later. After all, I had to look after my family. I would have sustained in this city on my own if I had degree.  A financial institution had almost provided me a job last year, but the one that played villain was my certificate itself. Only certificate would speak and provide some job in this drained city. I was ashamed to ask for the expenses to my parents. They too had no any source of income. Their all day effort in the field would hardly earn their living. And if they did save a little, they would send us without my request.
I thought of my sister who recently completed her higher studies and joined Bachelors in village itself. My parents had planned to get her married the previous year if any good-looking gentleman had come to ask her hand. But it was I myself fought with parents and didn’t let them do as per their plan. She had lot expectation from me. After then my brother strike my thoughts. He has his own dreams to achieve. He would perform better if he was admitted in renowned college. But, he is understanding and is happy with what we could afford. I should be responsible for his further studies.
And how would I forget my all time well wisher, kriti. I loved her actually and wanted to spend my old days with her. I don’t really know whether its fear of losing her or my respect towards her that’s keeping me away from sharing these feelings with her. But I couldn’t ask her hand unless I was self dependent. She was always good to me and she is. And the necessitate thing that’s not with me is capital. So, I had to earn first.
The beep-beep from back reminded me that I was out of my lane. I was lost in thought.
I entered the college gate. The crowd has gathered there in advance. Everyone was dying to find their Roll no in the list. I found no familiar face in the crowd. It wasn’t easy to get closer to the notice board. Hundreds of them were gathered there pushing each other trying to get their number in the list. I stood in a corner of the parking lot.
I saw Rajiv evading from crowd pushing other. He got his phone out of pouch. He took it closer to his ear; most probably he was dialing me. I shouted at him waiving my hands. He recognized me from distant and came closer with miserable face.
“Hey, how was your result?” I asked.
“I am passed, but I didn’t found your number.” He couldn’t say this comfortably.
Those words hammered me more than anything could ever hit. The earth stopped rotating, wrist watch held still and bright sun disappeared. My parents, brother, sister and Kriti all strike my mind again.
The University had once again proved me futile. I wonder when my sun will ascend with rays of hope.

Undone Affair

I no longer visited that library for the purpose of reading books, I wanted to see her. I had been to that library for past few months but I noticed her since past two weeks. I know she never came before. Later I came to know that she was the daughter of the librarian and she used to help her dad during her leisure. She usually sat next to him and did as per his instructions. Many of times I have sat next to her but never had the courage to speak a word to her, not even look at her face properly. Days, weeks and months passed. But I only could manage to see her indirectly. Spring came, leaves reddened. I remained still. Winter followed the spring and the leaves yellowed in those dreary winter. The cloudburst downpour swept away all the sludge and dirt all round, but I still hadn’t had the heart to even look in her eyes. I had to talk to her at any charge. I thought of different ideas to approach her and speak to her. But no any scheme did actually knock my cranium. What I did was misplaced the book by ‘John Fowles’ somewhere in a corner of the library. I told her that I was searching for that very book and didn’t find anywhere. I knew she would never find that book and I could remind her each single day about the book. This way I could talk to her for a long period. That day she went on searching that book for me for a long time and apologized being not able to find. She gave her word to find it for me the following day. I had got every reason to talk to her then. Next day, right after the college was over I loped to the library which was about twenty minutes walk from my dwelling. As I entered the entrance of the library I saw her in the identical usual chair she used to sit, next to her dad. It was first floor. Library had two floors first for nonfiction and second for the fiction section. “Hi”, I greeted her. “Oh, hi”, she replied back as she stood up from the chair. Her father looked us with the apprehensive ogle. “What about the book? Did you manage to find it?” I asked as we walked upstairs. I was wondering to see her coming with me upstairs without any proper request. I was sure she had not found the book. Why was she following me upstairs then? “I’m so sorry. I couldn’t.” she said, “I’ve requested dad to find it” as we mounted the steps. “You’ll never find that”, I wanted to say but couldn’t. “Sorry, got you in trouble”, I heard myself say. “Fine, it’s no problem”, she said showing the series of her pallid beautiful teeth. We entered the entrance of the door upstairs and sat in the chairs. The bookshelves on my right had the tag ‘science fiction’ in it. She was on my left. In front of me was the shelf with its name ‘Romantic fiction’ hanged at the top. We had some minor chat there. I came to know that she had recently completed the higher secondary level and was helping her father in the library during the leisure. Few girls entered in the room and went directly to the romantic section. I don’t know why but most of the girls go to the romantic section at the very first. Perhaps, because they love romance more than we do. I wanted to ask her why that was. She is girl, she must know why. But I didn’t. She got a call from her dad downstairs. “Excuse me; I’ll be back in few minutes.” She said as she stood up. “I’m leaving too, I’ve to go. I need that book when I come next time”, I said as I pulled back my chair and stood up. “Sure, sure” she smiled. “I’ve my classes. I’ll be here next week.” I said as we passed the door. She remained quiet. She waived her hand and made the lip movement so as to say ‘bye’ without making any sound. I smiled back waiving my hand. I returned back excited. I was very much excited indeed. Her every words and action made me fond of her very much. I thought of her all day. I wanted to talk to her earlier. But then, I had got more than I needed. I thought she liked me, at least my company. I couldn’t wait to see her again. Every day and night I thought of her, dreamed of talking with her. I couldn’t visit the library very next week due to some reasons. I went there after two weeks. I didn’t saw her that day in her usual chair. I went on searching other possible places she used to be. I went upstairs, she wasn’t there either. In fact none was there except a couple (may be) at a corner of ‘children section’. I remember their face. They used to come there regularly. They didn’t notice me getting in. I got a book by Toni Morrison and took a seat at a corner. They couldn’t see me but they couldn’t escape from my vulture eyes. They were sitting on the floor and hands on their shoulder. I could hear the girl shouting in response to the boy’s pinch and she would pinch back instantly. Every few minutes they would kiss on their lips keeping them somehow aware. But as soon I caught him stroking her breast I felt bashful. I moved myself to safer zone because they were having good time and these times wouldn’t come every now and then. This wasn’t any new in the library when it was comparatively vacant. I kept my eyes busy in the book for next few hours. I didn’t even know when they left. I didn’t saw her that day and returned back somewhat despondent. Next day I went to the library again. As usual I went upstairs and continue the book I was reading yesterday. There were few other people busy finding the books of their concerns. It was mid July and was raining heavily outside. “Hey”, she patted on my back. I felt uneasy but managed to throwback “hello”. “Sorry about the book.” she said “My dad didn’t find it either, I’ll let you know if we find it.” “Okay, take your time.” I said as I pulled a chair for her. She smiled back. I realized at that moment how beautiful she was. She was ravishing. She was too sweet in her words and conversation. I regretted that moment that I cheated her just to talk to her. She would have easily talked to me if I’d approached her normally. I shouldn’t have made her search the book for me by hiding it. Monsoon rain was busy cleaning up the streets. It rained so heavily that its patter disturbed our conversation. We stayed there for few more minutes until the rain stopped. “Shall we go for a cup of coffee?” my tongue did spoke. Words came out of my mouth instantly. I couldn’t believe my tongue. I wondered how I could say that. She stared at me in amazement. Probably, she wasn’t expecting this from me. I felt ashamed and pity on myself. I regretted for what I said. “Sure.” She replied. This was shocking for me. I proposed her to go for a coffee with me. But I was unaware of how I told her. And to my amazement, she accepted it. I was even unaware of the solidity of my wallet. I happened to ask her and she accepted. I was in trouble and excitement at the same time. I felt like giving a hug and kissing her. I found her so very good at that second. We stood up and left. As we left the library I saw her dad gazing us in perplexity. I had no courage to look him back. I thought he would call her but he didn’t. We got out of the building; she leading me, and me following her footsteps. We walked few minutes in the clean black paved road and she lead me through the narrow door of a café which board named ‘shital café’. We went to the table at a corner near the windowpane. One could see the clear picture of the steep pulchowk road from there. We took seat. We sat opposite to each other facing one another’s face. There was drizzle for next few minutes followed by downpour. This was the very first time I saw her face clearly without any obstruction or turbulence. She had a scar on her forehead at left. Her curly hair made her more debonair. We ordered two coffees. We talked till the dusk that day. Our coffee came. She had her coffee in the right hand and made her left hand busy replacing her curls that fell on her face. I loved watching it. She told me that she was trying to go abroad for her further studies. And she had interview in the US embassy the next week. I wished her best wishes but I was dying inside. I don’t know why but I felt so sad and isolated when she said this. I didn’t spoke a word back. I just kept on sipping my coffee. I told her that I wanted to talk to her since the day I saw her. She just managed to smile back when I said this. When she smiled I noticed that one of her teeth on the left was a bit forward than the remaining. But it was nothing in comparison to her beauty. We finished our coffee in a little while as it was cold outside. It was still showery and getting out was next to impossible. I wished it rained all day so that I could be with her for longer time. We ordered two more coffee after she refused to have any snacks. I told her I would not come to library for next one month as I had my finals. Next order came and we had it in similar zeal. The wall clock right in front of me showed an obtuse angled time, it was exactly 5 then. There was no indication of stopping precipitation. “We must leave, my father might be worrying.” She said looking at her wrist watch after she sipped the last leftovers of coffee from the cup. “What’s hurry?” I said staring at the wall clock. “You don’t know my dad.” She said and waived her hand towards the waiter. Waiter grew closer to us. “Bill please.”  I said. He went back and fetched a bill in our table and went back. The bill amounted one hundred twenty rupees. I checked my wallet, I had three note of fifty’s and two notes of five along with some coins. I thanked god that I had that sum at least. I kept 150 inside the bill case as she was busy checking her wallet. “Keep it back, may be next time”, I said as she took out two hundred rupees note. She smiled back in response. We got up and walked back through same narrow path. It was still raining outside. She took a pink umbrella out of her small green cozy bag. I wonder when the girls will get rid of these umbrellas. We shared it for a five minutes’ walk. “Getting wet in rain is fun.” I said as I unroofed myself from the umbrella. “You’ve every right to.” She said it hard this time. I was speechless. I had no words to reply. She would unquestionably go back to the library. So it was time for us to depart. “Bye”, she said before departing. “I’ll miss you.”  I didn’t say but definitely wanted to. “Bye.” I replied back. I stood there at the side of the road waiting for the microbus watching her cross the road. I watched her till I could see her. She managed to turn back once and waived her hand as she found me looking at her. Then suddenly more than a decade old truck disturbed my vision. Soon my microbus arrived and I returned back to my home. I couldn’t visit library for next one month or so. I had my final exams which went well. I went to my family home outside the valley for next one week. And one day after I was back from my home I went to library. I felt very different that day to be there after so long. I didn’t see her that day. I waited till six in the evening but didn’t see her. I hadn’t had the heart to ask his dad. So I returned back home sad. I went there the following day. I tried to find her but couldn’t. I could see those couple in their regular place in similar position today as well. I was happy to see them still together. Because, love is perfect competition market these days; with free entry and exit. Falling in love and breaking up had been very common. That day too, I waited till the twilight. I was restless. I had no any idea what to do next and how to approach her. Next day, I went again. No wonder, I didn’t see her again. I had no any option than to ask her dad. I was dying to see her, to talk to her. I thought she liked me, or even loved me. My dirty mind was thinking all of nonsense. I wonder how I would ask him about her. Finally I dared to ask him. “Excuse me.” I said. “Yes.” He replied. “Where is your daughter?” As soon as I spoke I knew I was in trouble. My tongue slipped. I definitely wanted to know where she was but never intended to ask in this manner. It sounded so silly, very silly indeed. He looked at my face in fretfulness. “Sorry, I wanted to say that she had my book and I want it back.” I lied. He looked perplexed and replied after a while, “who? Purnima?” I then realized that I had not even managed to ask her name. I was bewildered. “I’m sorry. I don’t know her name.” I said, “The one who used to sit next to you.” “I’m sorry she’s abroad. She left for states last week.” he said. Those words came out of his mouth like bullet released from a gun. It hit me hard, very hard. I couldn’t manage to escape. I felt my body start to shake, my legs squeezed. I felt my heart heavier than the rock. My blood froze but I was sweating. “Has she left that book to you or left any messages?” I was so insane I didn’t understand what I was asking. I sounded stupid again. “Sorry, she hasn’t.” he said. All of a sudden I felt like I shouldn’t be there anymore. I managed to say “Thank you” before leaving. I didn’t even wait to ask her contacts. I went out of the building not knowing where to go next. ‘At least she could have informed me.’ I thought. But soon realized she didn’t have my contacts nor I had her. I didn’t even know her name let alone contacts. I leaned at the door not knowing what to do next. My wrist watch made a right angle; time was exactly 3 in the afternoon. I went to the same café we went earlier. I wanted to sit in the same seat where we sat earlier but was occupied by a couple who seemed to be recently married. I took a seat and checked if I had any books on my bag to keep me busy. But there was nothing. Then, all of sudden all the memories flashed back in my eyes. Her wonderful words and hair that fell on her face, most of all her beautiful smile. “She must have left some messages to her dad. Is it her dad who’s hiding her messages from me? How can she forget me this easy? I’ve not known her for so long. But I’ve read her enough to judge how she is. She cannot be so inhuman. Or is she here in Nepal and he’s lying me? No, mustn’t be. She’d told me she had an interview. But how could she just leave without anything? Maybe, it was my fault. She might have tried to inform me. But what would she do? She had not any contacts of mine. It was my entire fault, all my fault.  I was so silly not to ask even her name.” I kept on blaming myself regretting my past. “Any order, sir?” waiter asked. “A coffee, please” I said as he noted down in the papers. I wish I could say ‘two coffees’ again. Always.