It was just a mere duplication of similar nights I was going through. I was not getting sleep that easily since past few months. Lying on bed without getting sleep have become part of my daily itinerary. And today as well it was more than two hours I was lying on bed getting no sleep at all. I had even switched the lights off and closed my eyes but it wouldn’t work either.
Stream of thoughts would flow through my mind during these sleepless nights. Family, friends, life, love, career, country; there was absolutely no criteria as to thoughts. May be that is the reason why people call it thoughts, you have undeniably no control over it. Wherever it leads, we are bound to follow and go on with the rhythm. You can only try control your emotions and try to create the positivity out of it, only try. Today was indifferent to previous nights. It started with the ongoing crisis in the country, I was absolutely helpless and could only pray for the betterment. There was no priority on which thought would strike first, it was as arbitrary as it could get. Only thing I was sure of was her, She would come every day with no time constraint. She would come anytime and rarely leave me alone.
I was unable to decide whether to approach her. I knew it was time I should express my sentiments to her, but something was keeping me from doing it, or maybe I never wanted to. I was not sure anymore that I was not in love with her. Circumstances were similar on her side too. I was more than sure that she as well had feelings for me but she never came across, but maybe she didn’t have any, just maybe. Months and years passed since we first met and started getting-together very often but neither she nor I had the guts to speak it up. The calls we made and texts we shared already made tons of bytes, but perhaps it was meant to be this way and nothing more.
Preeti asked me to meet her one chilly December afternoon. She wanted to meet me may be because I was leaving for my hometown the very next morning though the finals of final year in University were approaching. It was late December, One would rarely witness sun, and it was mere thick smoky fog that made up the sky. Incessant gentle rain for past forty-eight hours have made the day cooler to the limits. Even in midday people walking around seemed like they were smoking. There were considerable number of people burning the firewood and chatting around with tea in their hands. I was waiting her just beneath a temple near busy Mangalbazar Street. Reaching there from Baneswor wouldn’t take that long for her. Lots of people with different dynamics were around the site. I started scanning the environment around me. A group of old labors waiting for the work, middle aged beggar shivering with mere thin shirt on him with a aluminum bowl on his right hand, foreign visitors of different nationalities taking pictures of the old monuments, number of couples sitting closer with their hands on the other may be to escape the coldness, busy vehicles in the muddy roads.
I saw Preeti approaching me from some fifty meters far on her regular scooter. We often met there and she was well aware where I’d wait for when we met there. She used to wait for me in the same place when she reach earlier. She approached nearer with ever smiling greeting. She had black sneakers on her feet matching black jeans. Her T-shirt underneath a knitted sweater had print of some cartoon character which I didn’t know as I am not used to watching cartoon series.
“Hellooooooooo.” She said lengthening the later part.
“Hello, what’s up?” I said smiling.
“I’m very good.”
We sat right beneath the temple where I was standing. The floor was wet but not that wet that it would make us uncomfortable. She unzipped her bag up and took a Cadbury of a fair size and handed it to me.
“What for?” I said as I received it from her and tore up its packaging instantly.
“I don’t need no reason to give you chocolate, do I?” She said.
As soon as I removed the cover off the chocolates she took both cover and the chocolate off my hand. She took the first bite and gave me the rest and kept the cover in her hand bag. She never used to throw any wastes anywhere outside unless there is a trash bin nearby.
“Well, still I thought there should have been some reason. So.” I said biting from the rest she gave me.
She remained silent as I kept eating. I didn’t return the favor by giving her back the chocolate and kept eating. But she had some other idea, before I could bite the last piece of it she took it off my hand.
“You don’t have any manner.” She said as she turned her face the other way.
“I thought you got it for me.” I joked.
She said nothing but ate the chocolate. I laughed looking at her she smiled in return.
“I won’t get you anything now onwards”. She said.
“Okay” I couldn’t resist saying. “It’s my turn to get you something now.” I said and held her hand to make her stand as we walked our way out of the site.
It was still drizzling, the atmosphere was way too good to walk around together. It was long since we have had a walk together. We made our way towards nowhere, both silently agreeing to keep on walking not knowing where. While we were walking my memory went back to the time and was clueless of how it all started. I still remember the day I first saw her, the early university classes. She was so becoming. Her voice very dulcet. An ingénue, extraordinarily ordinary. It took us years to get closer but it still seemed like there was a gap consciously or unconsciously maintained. There was a gap in a sense that lot other thought we were couple, not necessarily, in fact we were not.
“Will we just walk around or go somewhere?” She said her patience degrading.
“Huh?” I pretended unaware though I heard her well.
“Let’s go for a coffee. It’s freaking cold.” she said.
“Sure. Where?” I knew lots of places around but I wanted her to tell.
“No idea. You tell.” She said.
We walked back towards the Darbaur square where her scooter was parked and took her at the terrace of D Square Café. I ordered milk coffee while she preferred black. Soon after there was a downpour, but it was evanescent.
“It’s exams in next two weeks and you’re going home?” She asked with fair sum of surprise in her face.
“I got to go, so is the circumstances.” I said.
“Take me with you.” She said with a fugitive look.
“No, unless you marry me.” I joked. She knew I was joking still she responded with a pretending surprise look on her face.
“I’ll be back in few days, I need to be there now.” I said.
We were there for some couple of hours, had snacks and talked a lot. The rain was showing no sign of stopping. We waited for rain to stop but it was just not happening. We decided to move as waiting for the rain to stop would be a big mistake we would be making and it was almost dark as it was short winter day. I paid the bill as we went downstairs.
As we reached outside she opened up her bag and took an umbrella out which had flowers print in pink background. I was surprised as till now she was acting like she didn’t have any. She left me wondering when she took out raincoat as well. It was no wonder that two-wheelers usually have raincoat with them, but it took me by surprise because she was absolutely quiet till then.
“You never said you’ve got one.” I said.
“I didn’t feel like saying.” She said raising her eyebrows.
I smiled. She smiled back.
She put on the raincoat while I covered myself with an umbrella on the back seat of the scooter. Unlike other days she dropped me to my bus stand.
“Take umbrella with you, I’ll get it later.” She said after I got off.
“Of course, I’ll.” I said and smiled.
We departed.
“Preeti” I called her as she was about to accelerate.
She turned back and took her helmet off the head.
“You are pretty.” I said. She smiled and disappeared within seconds.
Next day I went to my native place and finished my task in about three days. Nothing could beat the feeling of being with families, friends and people around your hometown. As always returning back to city from home is a difficult task for me. The journey back to Kathmandu was interesting though with cool weather and snowcapped route.
Next fifteen days or so passed in blink of an eye. In no time finals of final year started. It ended in no time. It went good, I was not bothered about exams and results these days anyway. I met her once in those exam breaks and frequently during exams.
The difficult times were about to begin. Probably the most difficult time for an individual is the interval between the graduation and the post-graduation or finding the job. People go crazy at times not knowing what to do and what not to. It took some four months to get the result published which followed more misery, a status of educated unemployed. Same was the case with most of the friends including Preeti. The times would be more frustrating seeing other friends getting enrolled somewhere else be it in job or post-graduation.
These breaks made us ever closer. We met almost every week and talked about life, career and even politics. Not love, never. Because we were not in love. If we were it would have been a different story. Neither she nor I was aware what we were up to.
“You know what? People think that we are in a relationship” I remember once she asked me.
“Are we not?” I replied her very casually.
She had just smiled then asking no further questions.
It was complex for everyone to understand and we were no indifferent. We met up every week, talked almost every day in phone, shared tons of texts, went many places together, got caught together by many friends, but we never kissed each other. Maybe because we were not in relationship or maybe this relationship was meant to be like this. She was more than a friend to me and maybe I was same for her or maybe not. May be I loved her and maybe not. May be she loved me and maybe not. Maybe I was not ready or maybe she was not. Or maybe we both were not. May be I was too reluctant and cautious to speak out or maybe she was nervous or maybe we both were. It was so complex that it was all ‘maybes’.
Times were difficult and things were getting complex, to add on to the glooms I was making them more intricate. Intricate in a sense that I myself was unable to decide what I was up to. Do I love her or were we just friends? If we were only friends why were we acting like we were more than friends? Was it time that I should speak out my feeling? Or do I have any feelings? I bet she wasn’t having any good times either. She might be thinking up same, she actually is.
It was now or never if I had to speak. In no time we would be completely lost in our own respective world. I have to think about Job, career, further studies, and family and so on. All these things were right beside the ingress waiting for the perfect timing to start knocking on. If I do not speak up now it would be late, too late. Should I speak out? Or do I have anything to speak up? And if I do not speak up, will I regret when she is gone? Do I love her? No. Either I do not love her or I am not ready yet. If so how long will it take for me to get ready? I myself was raining questions over me with only me capable of answering it. But I was not getting answer, not even for a single one.
Time flies, it really does. It was more than a year since I graduated. I had already joined course in post-graduation while Preeti got employed in a private company. This past year was no unlike to any of the previous years as we were ever same. We met frequently, shared good and bad times together, share hundreds of texts and calls. And obviously I did not propose her, neither did she. During a call few months back she was so close to speaking up what she felt but she didn’t, whatever the circumstances. Or maybe she was not and I just felt like that. But I am pretty sure she was just about to. Whatever she expressed that day gyrated around what she felt for me. But it was so complex that it left me completely perplexed, I could not conclude what she meant. And me myself was unsure of what I would reply if she actually proposed me. I was still not sure whether I loved her or maybe I was not ready yet. It was all chaos inside me.
Days and months passed, but inside me it was mayhem. Fact was I was used to turmoil, and I felt I was okay when I was disturbed and I was disturbed everyday with same recurring questions. And as always I had no answer.
Festive season was approaching, it was late September. Weather was as crazy as it could get. In no time it would change from freezing cold to scorching sun and vice versa. It was more than a month since we last met. And lately we had limited communication. I had my usual college assignments and was busy preparing it after dinner lying in bed. It was Friday and next day was off. I got a call from her which I received in minimal rings.
“Busy huh? No calls, no texts. What’s up?” She said right after I received the call before I could even respond.
“Yeah. To some extent, busy preparing assignments.” I replied. “How about you, how’s job?”
“I’m doing well.” She said. “You free tomorrow? Let’s meet up.”
“Hmm. Yeah I guess” I just couldn’t say no and realized later that I had appointment somewhere else too. Later on I managed the prior appointment for some other day, I desperately wanted to see her.
Surprisingly the conversation ended soon. She had asked for almost a day. Deal was she would pick me at seven in the morning in her scooter. I was excited to be seeing her in more than a month. The feeling was different than the other time though, but I was unaware of the reasons. I didn’t get sleep easily that night and had strange feeling unlike other days.
By the time I reached the place we agreed upon to meet up she was already there. She was seated on scooter with helmet off her head. She raised her hands as soon as she saw me approaching her.
“You’ve lost weight.” She said before anything as I reached closer and faked a smile. It just didn’t look natural.
“You gained some. So, we’re balanced.” I said.
“Come, sit.” She said pointing backwards.
“But where are we going?” I said taking a back seat.
“No idea. I myself don’t know where.” She said as she drove towards Koteshwor.
“Where you heading then?” I asked a little amazed.
“Don’t know. Could be anywhere.” She replied and drove faster.
She kept on throwing questions upon me as she drove. Not very particular about anything, she just couldn’t stop speaking and I loved it. Though bored I kept answering her. There was very less traffic early morning. Maybe she had something in mind, but I was oblivious as of where she was heading. She turned towards Bhaktapur from koteshowor, thought she was heading to historical site Bhaktapur Darbar Square. I realized I was wrong when she headed the other way straight through the highway.
“Do I not have any right to know where we are going?” I asked pinching her back not hurting but enough to get her attention.
“Don’t know, I’ll drive as far I can.” She said.
I couldn’t help myself. She kept driving speaking hell lot of things every now and then. I wonder if she ever feels mouth ache in the evening. We drove past Sangha, Banepa and reached Dhulikhel. She stopped at a corner there, took helmet off her head and said “Let’s take a break. We’ll have tea here.”
“I’m not going any farther than this.” I nodded and said.
“Why not?” she asked instantly.
“What do you mean ‘why not’? I’m not going.” I replied sounding little unhappy.
“Ok. Cool down” She said smiling.
I was more familiar with this place than her but it was her who was leading me today. We walked through the clean blacktopped paves leaving the highway behind us. It was mere silence, none us of spoke for about eight to ten minutes.
“Speak up” She said breaking the deadlock.
“What’s the plan, huh? All of a sudden and after so long.” I said.
“Nothing. I felt like it was years since I saw you.” She replied.
“I hope you are not in love with me.” I don’t know whether I mean it but I said. I wanted to make a joke but I think I sounded serious and suddenly I felt like I spoke it out of nothing. I never intended to ask that or even if I meant it, I didn’t want to ask this way.
She didn’t speak. We were still walking. The weather was varying every few minutes. It was more than couple of minutes that she didn’t speak. She was neither upset nor her face looked pleasing. She untied her short black hair while walking and held the clip on her hand. We kept walking in stillness. She still looked puzzled and I couldn’t swell despair onto it by bucketing more questions.
“Hey, you upset?” I said stopping her.
“No.” She answered in a word almost unwillingly.
And again it was followed by silence, sheer muteness. And it was longer than the former one. I was cursing myself for all these. We sat at the edge of the road. The view below was curvy roads in the midst of less dense forest and few houses. We were both shut.
“Do you love me?” She asked out of naught.
It left me stunned. Not because it was very surprising but because I was expecting it another way round. Not as a question but as a proposal. Though I was not sure a bit what would be my response. I tried looking casual.
“Off course, how could anyone not love you?” I said and immediately realized that this was not the answer she was expecting. I was too ordinary and conventional.
“Yes, I love you.” I said correcting myself if I was wrong or maybe bitty earlier.
And again she spoke nothing. Her face expressionless and vacant. Or maybe it was my inability to read something out of her face. She was either unreadable or unresponsive. Either way I got nothing out of it. But slowly I saw her face saddened. It looked troubled and worried.
“Why did you never propose me?” She asked.
I was unable to figure out her intention behind this. Was she compelling me to purpose her or notifying me that it’s too late. Her eyes looked saturated but she was not lamenting. It left me wordless.
“Neither did you.” I said.
She suddenly started weeping but she wasn’t howling. She tried to remain silent but couldn’t stop her waterworks rolling down her cheeks. I went closer to her, in the touching distance. I held her hands on mine but didn’t whisper a word. She kept her head on my shoulder, she was still weeping. We were beside the road and as we were off the highway traffic was almost negligible. I still had no idea what to speak out. I don’t remember how long we sat there together without speaking, but I am sure it was long.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” I said, her head was still resting on my shoulder.
She said nothing.
“Come, we’ll go somewhere.” I said and held her hand tight to wake her up.
She did wake up. But I had no idea where to go. Not that I didn’t know any places there but because I was unable to choose the right place to go at that very circumstances.
We walked back to the town in turtle’s pace. We decided to go to a café nearby the road before we reached the town. The café was made up of bamboo and looked temporary but was beautiful from both inside and outside. It was spacious inside. We took seat nearby a corner from where the pave outside was visible. A beautiful lady and a guy were two table in front of us in the same vertical.
It was almost eleven in the morning and I was already hungry and most probably she was too.
“Order something, I’m hungry. Aren’t you?” I said.
“I’m not feeling like eating.” She replied. Her eyes were still wet but she was not weeping.
“You aint no robot. Are you?” I joked.
She was expressionless neither she replied anything.
I checked menu and ordered something to eat. She was still not looking at me straightforward though we sat facing each other.
“Come on, look up.” I said raising her chin up.
She had ‘I’m sorry’ expression on her face, just a mere expression. She faked a smile with soaking eye. I felt so bad that she looked so odd. That face would look prettier than full moon while smiling. But she had lost it today.
Looking at her acquitted face I knew that she had something in mind that she wanted to speak out but somehow she was not doing it. Or maybe there was something that stopped her from doing it. Either way she was hiding something from me which I was more than sure of.
Slowly she looked better, better in a sense that her face looked more expressive and smiled natural occasionally yet she was not speaking. She would communicate just by gesture. We got our order served. She ate very little and ever slow. I gave her company till the very end eating in same pace. By that time she had started speaking, but it was very limited. Most of the time she was using only gestures just nodding on my queries.
“Want something else?” I asked her.
“Fanta.” She said specifically and immediately. And smiled soon after realizing that she acted strange for that particular day. I was so glad that she spoke with such an urgency.
I ordered her choice. She preferred drinking through pipe while I drank from bottle itself. I asked for the bill after we sipped off. ‘Five hundreds and fifty-five’ read the bill. She stopped me while I tried to reach my back pocket for my wallet. She dragged the bill from my left hand, checked, unzipped her bag, finally kept a thousand rupee note inside the bill. We stayed there for about another one hour. It was already two in the afternoon when I checked the watch after we agreed upon returning back.
We walked back the same lane towards her two wheeler barely speaking.
We drove back the same road. Like in the morning there was very few traffic maybe because it was Saturday. In less than an hour we reached back to Kathmandu. We scarcely spoke all the way. We departed with minimal formalities. She kept waving her hand in the air for quite long. I occasionally turned back and waived back her.
I was completely exhausted when I reached home. I laid down in the bed. I don’t remember when I fell asleep but was awake at around eight in the evening. I realized I had slept for four hours at least. I didn’t feel like coming out of the bed though I was awake. Instead I pulled off a blanket and laid there. Today was completely different to other days when we used to meet. I was still unable to figure out the intention of why she wanted to meet up. Because it was no close to any other day we spent together. I was just thinking and thinking. Right then my phone beeped with a message.
It was preeti. The text read, “I am in a relationship with one of my officemate since last month. He is cute loving guy. Thought I’d tell you today, so I called you to meet up. But I was unable to speak out.”
I don’t know how I reacted to it. I was exultant and elated. I was wretched and miserable as well. I was tempered and filled with rage at one point but very next I wanted to hug her and express delight on her happiness (if she was). I wasn’t happy but I could not be sad at all. I was not down but my senses didn’t urge me to celebrate. I was in anxious state of mind.
I replied “Congratulations!!”
I don’t know whether I meant it.
2012/09/11
Inkedtexts 