Monologue

You know it’s not your usual day when you’re low all day and mess up things even before bed. You know something’s wrong with you when you can’t held your head high. Not because you’re guilty, but because nobody finds you innocent. This could just be a hunch, but I’ve never been more rational. You know how it feels when you’ve been dreaming every day and all you see is your dreams being incinerated. You know it’s difficult to digest when people are multifaceted. You know how it feels when you can’t believe it, but you got to live with it. You know how it feels to be outside the locked door with the wrong key hanging. You know how it feels to be one among the bunch of morons. You know it, and it’s always good to know. Be it for nothing, or worse of things; something’s above nothing. So, I’m a proud hick, proud filthy imbecile.

I can’t stop disappointing people, maybe the only thing I’m good at. It has somehow become a part of ‘to do list’ unintentionally.  I dream and wish to do good things, and start doing good, but I don’t reach there. Such is my fate. I wonder how could this happen every now and then. I’ve got stupidest of tongue, hands and mind; I don’t think my heart is one. Because I know I never intend bad. Tongue is my greatest enemy, a necessary evil. I speak up everything, I don’t see no consequences. Hands, fingers to be precise that types every bit of horseshit. And I swear I have filthiest of mind, I’m a mean minded schnook!

Being doomed is a fiesta. I hate to say this but people love it when you’re doomed. You ask me why? I say, you ain’t alone when you’re doomed. You’re alone to be doomed but every other being around add to the miseries. Well that’s freaking life I guess. When you’re joyous you get thousands of more reasons to celebrate and when you’re down people around you make sure that you fall to the abyss of depths. Gosh! What a world we live in. Cheers to everyone involved to raise the glass with and those who are making my life more disastrous. But hey! I ain’t giving up. Bring on!

I wish I could be harsh sometimes, I really wish. And I mean harsh. Not from my hands, not from my tongue and not from my mind. These are much more familiar now, I wish I could be harsh straight from the heart. God I wish! And why do I have to be so good at forgiving? Why can’t I stand someone else begging sorry in front of me? And why it has to be me who have to lament for days when I’m mistaken. It’s so damn unfair, Life is so freaking unfair. I wonder and laugh at my own idiocy sometimes. I’m absurd to the limits. I know I can’t get all people around me pleased by me. Not a man had ever done that or will ever do. And I ain’t making history anyway by doing one. I can’t understand why on earth I’m so strained when I’m bad to anyone. Why do I have to be good to everyone? Is everyone good to me? Hell No! So why should I be?

And my feelings right now, I feel like crying. I don’t mean weeping; literally crying out all my tears. The waterworks are the liveliest proof that you’re alive, not even laughter as big could make you feel more alive. Gone are the days I changed my pillow cover every single day, not because I am that concerned about the hygiene. But because they had stains. I’d live with it happily, but this world is so into you that it’ll make a story out of it to sell it to the mass. And people will buy it, yes they will. It doesn’t matter whether you want to sell. You’ll not even get to know that it’s sold, you’ll come to know only after you hear it later. Everything can be sold these days, and the things that we considered the most priceless and invaluable in fact are the ones that do not even need to be marketed. We live in the time where feelings are browsed and selected, bought and delivered online. Yes, they mean nothing. We live in the time where tears are packaged and uploaded for sale.

You know it’s not your day when you do all your best to make people feel better and all you end up is upsetting them. What’s the use of your stories when none would listen you? What’s the point in mourning when you’ll not be consoled? What’s the point in having good faith when you’re not graced? What’s the point in having biggest of palaces in the world when you have none to live with? What’s the point in having luxurious Mercedes if it’s left for rusting without being driven? You know how it feels when you do all you could do, and all you get back is tons of guilt in return? Had I been writing on the white sheets, it’d have swollen up and the text size would grow bigger. But we live in the world where texts are inked without ink. My tears ain’t that acidic that a metal or polyester outer of a HP ProBook would suck it in to get itself swollen.

You know it’s not your day when you’re isolated for being good. Goodness pays off, I believe. But not very soon they said, well said. And it wouldn’t surprise me either if it goes unnoticed. Because the time has changed. People see and judge people at instant. They wouldn’t give a shit about nothing. People are so comfortable with the surface that they fear depth.  The world is so phony that only fraudulent survives. All goodness shall perish. Pretending is the new reality. Surface is the core. Appearance is the beauty. Shade is the light. Weakness is the strength. Venom is the antidote. Rejection is the acceptance. People who display love are loved back, not the one who loves. Pretty agreeable though, what’s tangible is the truth.

A wake up Call

Despite witnessing everything possible, I loved him, I wanted him.

I used to dream about him every single night. There probably wasn’t a second his thought didn’t cross my mind. Whenever I saw any other girl beside him, I was filled with murderous rage. And when I am beside him, I would fly high up in the sky higher than any creatures have ever flown. I had fallen for him hopelessly and desperately.

Kapil used to visit my house very often but not to see me. He had an affair with my elder sister. He used to come to my place every few weeks to see my sister, and I never missed a chance to get nearby him. I would manage millions of excuses to get near him, to talk to him. Kapil and my sister Nisha used to spend hours in our home, in my sister’s room. They looked good and very happy together. And I was more than contented to see my sister pleased. But deep inside, a portion of my heart was jealous and wanted to replace my sister from that pairing.

Kapil used visited our home while our parents were out at work. As me and my sister had our classes in the morning, we would be at home all day long. It’s not that he only visited us when our parents were out as he was well known to our parents.  Kapil was our neighbor since the early childhood. We three were bonded like a concrete bonding and used to spend our days together since childhood. We completed our schooling from the same school; I was immediate junior to Kapil and Nisha.

One fine day on chilly month of December while I was back from college, I found my sister and him locked inside her room. My parents were out at work. I went directly to my room without letting them know. While together they used to make fun of each other, giggle, shout and even fight. I was envious of her. After some ten or twenty minutes, I could hear them giggling. I had no idea what was going on there and was unable to decide what to do and what not to. I was frightened, grieved and jealous, all at once. They didn’t know I was back home, so I thought it would be better if I go out of there and come back home some time later. And I did the same.  Their moaning was still buzzing as I got out of my room and ran my step downstairs.

Hundreds and thousands of thoughts crossed my mind as I entered a coffee shop some ten minutes walk from my dwelling. I grew insane with the thoughts that hit me. I ordered a cup of milk coffee and lay there not knowing what to do next. Nisha was running on the last year of her nursing studies while Kapil had just started a management course in one of the renowned college in Kathmandu. It was almost two years they were in relationship. In those early days I and even my parents had spotted them walking together in streets. Once even our parents witnessed them sharing an ice-cream in the busy Kathmandu streets. That evening Nisha had to answer several questions thrown at her by her parents. She had replied “we are just friends” then. As the time passed by both our parents and they themselves knew that it was lot more than just friendship.

“Here’s your coffee, Mam.” said waiter as he placed a cup of coffee right in front of her.

“Thank you” She smiled back. Only she knew that she had faked a smile.

All of a sudden I started feeling resentful towards my own sister. I wanted to be in that room locked from inside and spend all my day with him. I loved him so much that I started hating him. It is not that he was dire to me. I have spent many times with him and I have always found him good and attractive. I had this feeling for him since very long back, maybe earlier than Nisha had. But I never ever had guts to say that I love him.

It was late December I was busy in the computer preparing my assignments. My sister was in her college and was late to return back home. My parents as well were at work. Right then he arrived.

“Hey Asha”, I heard him greet me as he slide the door.

“Hello”, I sound excited.

He had already noticed my sister room locked from outside. He entered my room and sat beside me on the plastic chair. I was happy that no one was in the room but was somehow anxious.

“Do you like to have something”, I asked keeping my eyes alert on the desktop itself.

“A glass of water, please.” He said.

As I came back with the glass of water I pushed the door hard but didn’t lock it. He had shifted his chair to the one in front of the computer and was going through the photos. The folder containing my photos was in the desktop itself. I handed him the glass of water which he kept by the computer table.

“You look beautiful.” He said glancing towards the picture while he sipped the water.

“I know I am.” I replied smiling.

As he went through the pictures, he made some comment to almost each of them. I was a bit nervous having him right beside me with no one in the house, but excitement killed them off. I was feeling good as it was what I always wished for.

“You look sexy here.” He said nipping my cheek as he came across one of my picture in undersized outer. I blushed as minor electric shock went through my body. I just managed to smile. I was worried of my sister thinking what she would think of if she saw us in my room together. I then thought that I should make him go, but I had no guts to tell him to leave. I actually never wanted him to leave. And he didn’t seem like leaving anytime soon.

I told him I had to finish my assignments soon and asked him if I could sit in front of the computer. He readily left his seat and seated in my bed. As I was busy with my assignments I found him glance over my personal diary. I did not know since when he was going through the texts there. I quickly got off my seat and rushed to get my diary back.

“Please don’t read this, this is very personal.” I said as I pulled my diary back.

All these happened in quick succession. I did not want him to read it as it contained everything. It included everything that happened to me along with all my dreams, weird and crazy thoughts. I used to ink all my happiness, sorrows, mistakes, feelings, confessions, anger, fear, and anxiety, absolutely everything. I never lied or cheated to that diary. And I always kept it safe and out of reach from everyone. But I happened to keep it seen that day.

“What have you written there?” He said smiling.

I knew he caught me there. I was like a fish inside the net struggling to come off. Because, it had his name inked in it. There probably were not any pages where his name wasn’t mentioned. I had mentioned how much I love him and wanted to be with him. I had no idea what to reply. His face suggested that he had already gone through some of the pages and got to know what I felt about him. I found myself sweating and reddened. I just managed to reply “nothing, it’s personal.”

He came closer to me and tried to get it back, but I refused to give. He was smiling as he tried to withdraw it from my hand forcefully. I was holding it tight but he managed to get some hand on it and tried getting it. Diary was in no man’s land now, both trying to get it but didn’t actually have it. Room was getting noisier as all these didn’t take place in tranquility. Right then I heard someone knocking at the door. Before I could move towards the door, the door opened pushed from outside. It was Nisha. She observed both of us carefully and returned right away shutting the door hard without speaking a word.

Kapil followed her, I remained seated in bed. I heard him pledging and assuring her that we were just chatting. I was completely unaware of what was going on in the other room, I just heard Kapil speaking. I knew she was fumed, I didn’t hear her speak to hundreds of his vow. I heard him begging sorry but she wouldn’t listen. It was some 15 minutes Kapil was muttering but didn’t get a single word back. It was almost 5 in the evening and was time for my parents to be back at home. Kapil left disappointed without giving a single glance at me, and how would he?

I lingered at my bed stationary. I was troubled. It felt like a big catastrophe, a big tragedy, a big heartbreak. I was all dumb and filth. I felt like I’ve committed a big crime, a crime that none of the castigation would compensate. I had no nerve to go in front of her and talk to her. I’d done nothing erroneous but how could I assure her of that was beyond my competence.

I did go to my sister room after a while. I found her eyes moistened.

“Nisha, listen to me. It’s nothing like what you’re thinking…”

“You please, leave me alone.” She replied before I could finish speaking. She said it peacefully but her eyes were all livid.

“How could you…” She added but started sobbing before finishing her words.

But I needed no words to understand her eyes. I knew what she wanted to articulate. I wanted to tell her what she thought of us then was all wrong, but she still would not be convinced. I was in trouble, big troubled. Thought I would talk to her the next day when she was cool and calm.

I came back to my room and lay in my bed until my eyes drench closed.

From next day on, I couldn’t maintain vigorous relationship with my sister. She talked well with me but still something was missing, my old Nisha was missing. On the contrary, meeting with Kapil grew thicker. I didn’t even realize it until we started meeting almost every day. Even Nisha was well aware of it but didn’t really care about it. Kapil still used to visit our home frequently but his destiny has changed. He still used to talk with Nisha but they were no more what they once were. I enjoyed his company as he was all I ever dreamt of but was sad that Nisha was hurt because of me.

Days, weeks and months passed as we grew closer to each other. We spent numerous good moments together. Nisha was well aware of our relationship and I felt like she had moved on with what happened to her.

One mid-October day was alone in my home as I had my classes off. I had just taken shower and was drying my hair my phone ranged. It was Kapil. I received the call.

“I am outside, unlock the gate.” He said before I could respond.

I went downstairs and unlocked the main gate. We came back to the room me following his footsteps. He sat at the edge of my bed and I sat beside him.

“Sunsilk? Hmm… No. Head and shoulders?” He asked as his nose approached my neck to smell my hair.

“Ponds.” I said pushing him farther. My hair was still wet.

“You smell intoxicating.” He said kissing my lower neck.

And soon our lips met. I don’t remember who initiated but it happened, and did last long. My lips mould to his as our lubricious tongue collides lovingly caressing each other deliberately to explore the unexplored. I felt the sweetness of his tongue. It did not seem like it would end soon. When I wanted to stop he started again and when he tried to stop it was me who started all over again. He laid me on the bed while our lips were still bonded.

“The door is unlocked.” I said.

He smiled back and went towards the door instantly, pushed it hard and locked from inside. And it started again. We’re lying in bed as his hand slide underneath my clothing. We both undressed each other and his hand ran all over my body. And there, we made love, without any protection.

Things were going well for next few months. We have had secluded sex a couple of times after our first. After my finals of the twelfth grade, we’d barely meet because of our demanding schedules. But we were in touch through different mediums. Slowly, things changed. Our meetings and even communications through other media became even slimmer. Consequently, he stopped responding to my calls and texts.

I was worried. Different thoughts engaged my mind and I started having sleepless nights. It was weeks since he last received my calls or responded to my texts. His family recently shifted from our locality where they lived for more than a decade, which fueled my speculation.

One usual day after dinner I called him several times, he didn’t answer any. I lied in my bed and dialed him till my fingers hurt, absolutely no response. I was worried, angry and gone insane all at once. Doesn’t he care about me anymore? Was it ‘sex’ that he ever all wanted? Is he done with me? Hundreds such questions were revolving around me like dark cloud in the monsoon sky.

Did he ever love me? Why doesn’t he respond to my calls then? He mustn’t be that busy to not receive my calls for weeks. Even if he is high should have informed me through other means. Was he enough trustworthy that I bestowed everything upon him? No, he can’t be. And suddenly everything that happened with Nisha jazzed right in front of my eyes. How dim-witted I was that despite knowing all the past I went on sleeping with him. Is it all what he does, keep on sleeping with different girls? I can I trust him that he’d not any partner prior to Nisha? Has he dumped me? Or if not, what if he dumped me anytime soon? I will be done with my blood, life and relationship. I should have never let him cross the threshold and enter my life. It was my entire fault. I had hurt my dearest sister for him. I was never right, never ever.

This could be the high time for me to forget everything and start a new life, a life where I can be my boss. But can I do that? Can I ever forget what has happened to me this soon? How will I ever hide the fact that I am no more a virgin? But will this even matter if I am strong, bold and courageous? I won’t let and should not let any of my past haunt me anymore. I must be brave enough to face what is in store for me in the future.

I still couldn’t get my eyes closed. I got up off my bed and drank a glass of water.

I went back to bed and lay down again. I must move on.