The Recurring Fate

The ring of my cell phone disturbs my sleep early morning.

I have an alarm of early 5 in the morning everyday but never wake up that early. I postponed it for next 15 minutes and got back to my sleep as I did every preceding day. I was used to this job and I could do it even without opening my eyes.

My phone rang again violating my order. I postponed it again and held my pillow tight. Let alone my setting, phone rang again. I concluded there was some problem with it, and had to open my eyes. Unfortunately, it was a call. Rajiv had called.
“Yes”, I answered the call.
“Deepak, our result is published. Did you know?” he said in hurry.
I was still sleeping to a degree. I clearly heard what he said. But, I could not response him in quick.
Not getting my response he added,” Deepak, you there?”
“Yeah, I got you.” I answered.
“Can we meet in college at 7 this morning?” He said in tone of compulsion.
“Ok, I’ll be there at 7. See ya there.” I said.
As soon as the talk ended, I felt my heart pounded. I should have been glad to know I was getting the result of my performance over a year. ‘Over a year’ in a sense that university could never end the session as per the planned calendar year. One had to wait about 15 months to appear for the final exams. This had been the culture of university. I had cleared all the papers except one from 1st year which kept me from getting my bachelors degree since past more than two years.
My eyes wide opened. I saw my brother lying next to me still in his deep sleep. He had joined me the previous year after getting his school leaving certificate. I actually didn’t want to get him in this deserted city until I was well settled. But he wanted to study Science in his higher studies and the colleges in the village couldn’t furnish the requirements. Moreover, my parents compelled me to get him with me.
I got off the bed, prepared tea and sipped it instantly. Soon I left for the college. I had to walk for about 10 minutes to reach the bus station. I felt it longer than an hour walk. My foot ached. My heart was heavier than any rock would ever weight. I got into the bus. My mind hosted thousand of thoughts at that moment. It was third consecutive time I had appeared my exam for the same paper. I wasn’t that bad in my studies and did my best in exams. But result never came in my favor, it always jerked me. I couldn’t figure out whether it’s the negligence of the university or my failure. I had successfully completed my 2nd and 3rd year paper with good marks. So there doesn’t raise questions of my incapability. A single paper from 1st year was fixed in me like a leech.
I got off the bus in Singhadarbar. I still had to walk for 5 minutes or so to reach my college. I headed to my college in frozen steps. My heart was getting even heavier as I approached my college.

My mind repeated same question to my heart again and again, ’What if I am failed again?’ I felt pity on myself. I was all wasting my parents’ efforts and sweat. Being the elder son I had to bear responsibility in my family sooner or later. After all, I had to look after my family. I would have sustained in this city on my own if I had degree.  A financial institution had almost provided me a job last year, but the one that played villain was my certificate itself. Only certificate would speak and provide some job in this drained city. I was ashamed to ask for the expenses to my parents. They too had no any source of income. Their all day effort in the field would hardly earn their living. And if they did save a little, they would send us without my request.
I thought of my sister who recently completed her higher studies and joined Bachelors in village itself. My parents had planned to get her married the previous year if any good-looking gentleman had come to ask her hand. But it was I myself fought with parents and didn’t let them do as per their plan. She had lot expectation from me. After then my brother strike my thoughts. He has his own dreams to achieve. He would perform better if he was admitted in renowned college. But, he is understanding and is happy with what we could afford. I should be responsible for his further studies.
And how would I forget my all time well wisher, kriti. I loved her actually and wanted to spend my old days with her. I don’t really know whether its fear of losing her or my respect towards her that’s keeping me away from sharing these feelings with her. But I couldn’t ask her hand unless I was self dependent. She was always good to me and she is. And the necessitate thing that’s not with me is capital. So, I had to earn first.
The beep-beep from back reminded me that I was out of my lane. I was lost in thought.
I entered the college gate. The crowd has gathered there in advance. Everyone was dying to find their Roll no in the list. I found no familiar face in the crowd. It wasn’t easy to get closer to the notice board. Hundreds of them were gathered there pushing each other trying to get their number in the list. I stood in a corner of the parking lot.
I saw Rajiv evading from crowd pushing other. He got his phone out of pouch. He took it closer to his ear; most probably he was dialing me. I shouted at him waiving my hands. He recognized me from distant and came closer with miserable face.
“Hey, how was your result?” I asked.
“I am passed, but I didn’t found your number.” He couldn’t say this comfortably.
Those words hammered me more than anything could ever hit. The earth stopped rotating, wrist watch held still and bright sun disappeared. My parents, brother, sister and Kriti all strike my mind again.
The University had once again proved me futile. I wonder when my sun will ascend with rays of hope.